THE 20TH OF OCTOBER

THE 20TH OF OCTOBER

I'm kinda choosing not to revisit the story of the "dad saga" of six years ago.. it'snot that I don't really want to, it's that I doubt there would be anything gained from it.. what I think I will do is try to outline it.. such as although the "saga" didn't start on the Wednesday, that is when I started it from, because we went to the dialysis center in Fort Collins that day.. I recently remembered when we first went down there for dad to start to learn how to do that.. the tech nurse there showed us the "what to do in an emergency" thing, which was to say what happens if he had a bad exchange or something in that realm.. I never in a million years would have thought that dad would have a bad one... this past Wednesday was the same day date wise as that year.. the day my sister in law and nephew headed for Poland (her mother land) was the same exact day that we went to Fort Collins and although it didn't start that day, it was the prelog of what would start everything out..

That Thursday was odd as well, just like yesterday I was wondering if I should mow or do the amouir project, moms clothes holder thing.. I chose the latter and found that was the right choice.. there wasn't any directions in the box so mom had to have them faxed to the local bank and got them that way.. meanwhile dad had gone to the doctor for what I think was a shot to prevent either the flu or pnemonia.. at any rate mom thought it was too much because he had gotten a shot at the center in Fort Collins the day before.. was this a factor in what was to happen later that afternoon??

Dad got home around three or so, and he was plugged up, constipation was a constant battle with him in the last four or five years of his life.. had I known he was having that much of a problem I might have suggested he drink some sort of booze concoction or some beer at the very least.. anytime I drank anything things in that area always seemed to loosen up.. but he watched his water intake in the last 18 months of his life because of the dialysis.

Peritoneal dialysis, where he put a fluid into his abdominal cavity and it worked like a kidney does.. dad was straining to have a bowel movement and that might have been the cause of the infection he acquired.. things about those early moments: I was up listening to some music and would learn of his situation around eight thirty or there abouts.. they wanted me to take the solution in to be tested at the hospital in Sidney.. part of me wanted to try to load dad up and take him as well but I wasn't sure what to do so I took the solution in to be tested.. was it ever tested that night, or the next day?? more than likely no.. we never got any news from it, and really weren't too surprised either.. or I wasn't anyway... the weather that night was sort of foggy, not really bad but later on when they checked on flight for life for him they couldn't do that because of a really low ceiling.. after I got home mom wanted to set up the next bag with the medicine they showed us how to do way back when.. mom called that nurse and she walked us through doing it, dad got that in his abdomen and then got ready for bed.. he was to sleep in the chair he was in after I scooted him to the bed in the other room, the scratch mark from that manuver is still visible to this day, although under carpet mom had installed.. I would take some meletonin to try to help me to get some sleep, which as it turns out was a mistake because half an hour later I was on the phone calling for an ambulance to come pick up my dad..

Friday, the equivelant to today the weather was almost identical to today.. it was overcast but I don't remember that it rained at all.. we left here after getting home after they took dad in the ambulance.. we would take the van.. and Freda would drive it, both Tabitha and Jordan would go.. Bob would race home and then on to Fort Collins in mom & dads Buick that would fry the transmission just outside of Pine Bluffs.. what an adventure for him, here he is trying to get to the hospital where he isn't totally sure how his dad is and now he is stuck along side the road, a half an hours drive away.. ..

After Bob got a hold of Freda (back then no one had a cell phone in the family) they went off and picked him up at a truck stop in Cheyenne.. also having to take Tabitha and Jordan back to Kimball for a wedding rehearsal, they would return a couple hours later.. we got to see dad such as it was.. the doctor would talk to mom that day and then again the following Sunday by phone, and then again the following Sunday for the final time.. I couldn't pick the guy out of a police lineup because I don't remember what he looked like, I saw him talking to mom that Friday but wasn't sure he was the doctor or a doctor.. as in the ER doctor.. we left Friday night hoping the phone wouldn't have a message to call the hospital when we got home.. and from that day to even now when the phone rings it makes me jump...

Saturday was an odd day in that when we got to the hospital dad had been moved up to his own room.. all I could think was that he had a serious scare and that he would be alright.. one thing dad told us that haunts me to this day is that they told him he had a heart episode (mild heart attack) and so we told him it was an infection, see the tube coming out of your nose pulling infectious goo out.. I was relieved as we left the hospital.. dad dodged a bullet.. we got home and I think I felt like everything would return to normal by the first of November.. how wrong I was about to be proven...

Sunday saw Donald and Lucy go to see dad and me and mom stay here.. thy would take his slippers and a few other things per his requesting.. I kind of regret not going with them, seeing how things were about to change.. Donald got home that night and called us and told us dad was going to have some procedure the next morning for his heart.. I instantly thought "well he really must be doing better if they are going to do that" figuring they wouldn't do any extra curricular anything while dad was recovering from the infection.. would they put undue strain on him like that??

Monday: SURES THE FUCK THEY DID!! We got down there by late afternoon, I think the we was us three brothers and mom, we went to the ICU where they had dad trying to recover from an unneeded and unwarranted heart procedure (either a stent or something in that realm).. he would never recover fully from that and to this day I still contend that this is what killed him.. the infection and then this procedure which the doctors saw as life threatening if he didn't have.. truth is the procedure was life threatening due to the fact that he wasn't fully recovered from the infection.. dare to dream that the doctors might have talked to each other prior to this.. we would spend the rest of that day trying to coax dad into the reality of being awake.. mom trying to have him identify each of us.. I'm not sure he ever recognized me from that day on..

Tuesday: Lump the next few days together, they are all quite foggy, I can't say I remember anything in particular about them.. dad would be wheeled back to a room upstairs leading us to believe he was getting better.. I remember going down with Bob to see him and not thinking he knew who either one of us was, and esspecially me.. I didn't feel bad for not being recognized, it's just the way it was.. I figured the cob webs would eventually clear out.. as it turns out they never completely did.. the pastor from the church was there and did a prayer with dad... then we would leave.. dad was in constant motion trying to constantly get at the tubes stuck in him at different points.. they had a nurse watching him constantly...

Wednesday: Same as Tuesday, I think that day me and mom and Donald would go but he was moved to do an MRI or some test like that.. mom was worried that he might be left in the hall where he might be chilly so I went to the MRI test area and checked and he wasn't there.. they were moving him back to his room..

The thing I remember most about the trips this week and a few the next week was the weather, or more to the point the wind.. trucks in the median on their side.. oooh what fun..

Thursday: Drawing a blank, and for that matter the previous two days events might have happened the following week.. I can't remember those days in particular..

Friday we went down, I'm sure me and mom went down... when we stopped at walmart on our way back Tabitha told me she wanted to go the next day.. so mom went with her and I stayed home.. mom says she asked dad who this girl was and he replied "Taba D." his nickname for Tabitha... mom told me that and I thought maybe he would recognize me the next day..

Sunday : Halloween, and overcast miserable day and we get there and the cob webs are still as bad as they were that Monday.. all hops dashed for now.. we would get home and mom was on a mission, she needed to find dads life insurance papers and make sure they were current.. come to find out they were on the verge of lapsing.. that was a close call...

Monday: a snow day, the weather was too horrible to go.. actually it wasn't too horrible but by noon when it stopped snowing we figured we might as well wait..

Tuesday: we left and stopped by and got a cell phone, now we would be set for the drive down in case of emergency..

Wednesday: another blank day for me except that I think by now they moved him back down to ICU in the corner room where the dialysis machine would fit and that is where he would be for the next and last five days of his life.. he would be on the dialysis machine almost constantly... that day the infections doctor would talk to us and I think Bob was there with me and mom.. it all gets blurry as to who was there and when.. I have no clue.. I was in a daze, I can be honest, I left the reality of what was going on in that hospital and climbed into my brain and my alternate reality.. the reality where my stories come from.. I was in the middle of one at that time..

Thursday: there was a day in there when they took him into the OR and removed the tube in his abdomen and there was a fear that they would put him under and he would have to return from there once again as if he really ever came out from that Monday before..

Friday: PAGING A DOCTOR.. I do wish we would have insisted on see a doctor while we were there.. lesson learned from this experience has gotten me to check on the dip shit field of doctors when mom had her sinus surgery and aftermath of treatments.. mom may not have liked it but I swore after the docs fucked up my dads treatment that I would keep an eye on the doctors with mom and keep them accountable or at least try to.. they have such a way about making it seam like they know and they are doctors and they are smarter than you.. that Friday was just another day.. I would meet people on the street at the hometown and they would ask how dad was and I'd say I thought he was doing fine.. this happened over the entire of the time he was in the hospital and each time he was in the hospital and every time I would tell people the same thing.. truth is I would know what they knew.. a stranger calls the hospital and try to get information about my dad any of the times and hospitals he was in and they would tell you they couldn't tell you, and THAT'S WHAT WE KNEW!!

Saturday the sixth of November was kinda the day.. when I got up mom told me she thought maybe we would take this day off from going down there.. in her defense I could understand not wanting to go because seeing dad the same way everyday was getting tough to do.. but I felt like as long as he was alive I wanted to see him and offer him hope and hope that he understands we are pulling for him and wanting him to recover.. I remember mom calling everyone and asking if they wanted to go and everyone saying yes.. we took the van.. we got there late morning and as we were exiting the van the cell phone rang.. mom fumbled with the phone but couldn't get it to work, and it was hung up.. then Freda's phone rang, it was the hospital.. what luck dad was getting better?? no, in fact they were calling to tell us dad was refusing to go on the ventalator.. he had been on it a few years earlier with the pnemonia that started this whole thing and wasn't liking that experience at all.. mom told them we were just in the parking lot and would be in momentarily...

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THIS ENTRY ENDED THAT WAY.. I THINK I MEANT TO ADD MORE TO IT BUT MAYBE I WAS THINKING IT WAS REDUNDANT TO TRY.. I WROTE THE ENTRY (PRIOR) OVER A THREE YEAR PERIOD ADDING WHAT I COULD AND IN FACT I WROTE THE WHOLE THING THREE TIMES BUT NEVER PICKED PARTS OUT AND MADE A SINGLE ENTRY.. THEY ALL WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL, NO NEW MEMORY FROM THAT TIME.. AND SO THIS HERE WAS A SHORT REHASHING OF THAT TIME... I WILL SAY THAT THE SUNDAY (THE SEVENTH) WAS A DAY THAT ME AND MOM WENT DOWN JUST US TWO AGAIN.. THINKING BACK WHEN WE WALKED INTO HIS ICU ROOM AND I LOOKED AT THE MONITORS... WELL THINKING BACK I GUESS IT WAS EASY TO TELL WHAT WAS GOING ON AND WHAT WAS INEVITABLE.. WEATHER WE STAYED ANY LONGER OR NOT... THAT WAS TOUGH.. TOUGH TO LEAVE NOT ONLY THAT NIGHT BUT EVERY DAY/NIGHT WE WERE THERE..

BH