I never thought of myself as being afraid of dying.. I thought more that I have a healthy respect for it.. I never really thought too much about things in that way but after my dad passed away it brought the subject into premium focus.. Gone are the days of feeling like everything was going to be the same forever.. When others had died and do die I think of their family and what it is now like without them.. What is the legacy?? Where is it, the meaning of life?? When all is said and done what are we all fighting for?? I don't like to dwell on subjects that are by my own feelings unknowable by anyone.. There really has been no one who has died and come back and said how truely wonderful it is.. The bible thumpers and all the religious leaning people have their view of how great it will be, and yet we fight to stay alive with all ferver and conviction that it is so important to do so even though most of these people are convinced that it will be so great on "the other side".. I have rarely thought of suicide, never thought beyond anything.. Truth is I think I fear death more than anything and I imagine most people in their right mind are of the same mentality.. There was never any glorified feeling that "when I kill myself, they'll all be sorry".. To me that is ultimate selfishness.. To kill yourself to show somebody, make that person feel some form of what you are feeling when in fact there is no way to convey what you are feeling if death is the ultimate way to express it..
Monday (yesterday) my mom told me she felt like she was having a heart attack.. And at first I wasn't positive that it was serious.. The first little bit I blew it off and checked Google to see what the symptoms of a heart attack are.. Then I checked for pnemonia and the symptoms are somewhat similar.. Some.. But after checking those two things and checking a few others I talked to her and she said the pain was in both arms and into her neck.. This was serious now and so I asked her if she wanted to go to the doctors office or the emergency room.. She said the ER so we left within ten minutes of her request.. Half the way down there I thought maybe I should have called the EMT unit or 911.. But I had a feeling it wasn't that severe.. However on hindsight I do feel like calling for an ambulance was a better idea and the next time I will do that.. After getting there to the hospital and after my brother got there I told him about my thought about calling the EMT, and he thought that would have been the right thing to do.. When mom told me to call for an ambulance for dad I could understand why.. He was in such serious shape.. I hated calling them and still to this day remember that night.. It was about midnight give or take.. Being in that hospital that day reminded me so much of that time because the bay they had mom in was the EXACT SAME BAY DAD WAS IN "That night".. I was having a time of it yesterday and I admit there were times that I wanted to freak out... But thought better of it..
After a few tests they determined that nothing was wrong but wanted a confirmation blood test six hours later which meant mom had to stay in the hospital for that long.. And the hours did drag on but I felt it was good for her to be there for that.. I was glad nothing came of it because she had this feeling in her shoulders before and thought it might be a heart attack at that time.. She had a physical just last year before a surgical procedure on her finger, and I really felt like she was just feeling some sort of stress related something.. As the hours passed and the nurses popped in and out it was just slow going.. Then just before five a nurse popped and talked to mom and as she left she said in half an hour they would get that last blood test.. Half an hour later they were not to be found, and as it was starting to feel like six would come and go I decided to ask about something.. I went to the doorway and the gabfest nurses were there in the hallway and I thought, let's see if they notice me and maybe come and see if mom needed anything.. A few minutes later, nothing.. So I turn to the hallway and ask a question, not really asked when I think of it.. I said I think we are going to leave now.. They said they didn't think that was a good idea and I said I didn't care.. They have no true legal right to hold anyone against their will.. They got with it and got the blood draw and withing a half hour we were out of there.. Everything seemed fine on the second blood test... GREAT!! I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy or asshole but I wasn't sure they would remember and I figured we would still be there after nine.. But not this time...
Truth is when mom fell and hurt herself two months ago it shook my world as well.. Everything was smooth sailing and I felt fine but when she fell I could only think of few things of which my uncle finding out and me feeling like shit for the insident.. I did blame myself even though everyone said I wasn't to blame.. I am ready to shoulder the blame and have been preparing for that day, I just wasn't figuring it would come that fast.. Back when dad was on dialysis I started to think what will it be like without him.. And shortly after that I found out.. I haven't thought that about mom.. I know what it will be like without her.. I have nights where sleep is a premium.. Sleeping two hours a night are more the norm than exception.. I keep thinking try to stay awake later to sleep past the three o'clock wakeup time that has been the past two months..I can't blame her fall for my sleeping pattern, because I haven't been able to sleep that well for a few years now, since before her surgery on her sinus.. It's tough to imagine, I can't fathom living without mom, and the longer we go on the more it feels this way..
BH
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