It started out innocently enough.. from what I can remember that Thursday was like any other day.. we had gotten back from Fort Collins the night before and unloaded the van.. the next day was a Thursday and dad went to see the doctor, getting back early in the afternoon.. he had eaten at a fast food place in town, and he was having trouble going to the restroom.. he was plugged up but not overly bad I didn't think.. the doctors had told him not to push too hard because he had had his hernia repaired a few years earlier but this could cause a tear in the walls of his intestines and that could be trouble because of his parateniel dialysis.. one close call that past May was really just a prelude to the onslaught about to occur.. while I put together the dresser thing mom had gotten, dad was starting to go to the bathroom.. at supper time I ate and mom ate while dad started to feel horrible.. I went up to watch tv or listen to some music and by about eight I came down and dad was throwing up.. the dialisate was full of floaters and was also pink (both a gigantic warning of trouble).. mom called the dialysis center and they told her to have someone (me) take the bags of dialysate to the hospital in town and they would test it.. I ran around town looking for either of my brothers or anyone who I might could talk to.. both of them were gone elsewhere.. I came home and on the way home I noticed it seemed to be closing in out side, like the clouds were coming down.. fog.. or something.. it was just really odd looking out.. I got home at about ten.. dad was gone, just totally some where else completely.. Leno was on.. mom had the director at the center on the phone and she talked us through getting the dialisate ready to be used by way of loading it with a medicine to combat the possible infection that he had contracted.. nervous as hell we both fumbled around and got it set.. he refilled with this stuff and afterwards I tried to get him to bed but he said he couldn't breathe and so we reset him in his chair for the night.. I went to bed and took a couple mellatonin to try to sleep.. it didn't work and besides by about twelve I was back down checking on dad and mom told me to call for an ambulance.. serious times now.. they came by and loaded dad and headed for the hospital where I had just been with the dialisate just a few hours earlier.. I wondered if we should have taken dad down at that time.. we get to the hospital and get to the emergency room and dad seems in slightly better shape although still throwing up.. we would spend the night there in the emergency room while they couldn't get the flight for life because it was too overcast.. they would pull out of the emergency ambulance bay just before the sun came up.. I remember driving home and thinking what needed to be done to leave for Fort Collins shortly.. mom called the youngest brother while at the hospital.. then called the other when we got home.. turns out he was in Kearney and would head home right of way..
That Friday morning we loaded the van and left for town.. picking up everyone for the trek to Fort Collins.. I decided not to drive because it had been a long night and I had taken that to help me sleep and every now and then it actually felt like it was trying to work.. we stopped in Cheyenne and got something to snack on and drink.. we got to Fort Collins by ten or so and made our way to the waiting room to begin the long task of waiting.. that first day was the worst of all of them for what happened to everyone involved.. my older brother broke down on his way down to the hospital and we didn't know because he didn't have a cell phone at the time.. almost nobody in the family had a cell phone back then, now everyone has at least one cell phone.. my sister in law went to get him in Cheyenne and made it back by seven.. we got to see dad about five or there about.. the doctor said he was a very sick boy.. when asked how long he would be in the emergency room the doctor didn't know, but something I didn't know that he told someone in the family that he wasn't sure dad would leave the hospital alive.. I'm glad I didn't hear that comment... we left the hospital shortly after my brother was able to see dad.. his daughters had to go to their cousins wedding rehearsal that night .. she got married the next day.. the trip home was subdued from Sidney to home.. I was tired but was able to drive the final leg home.. I'm sure I went to bed early when we got home.. sleep?? I don't know about that..
Saturday we would leave for Fort Collins later in the morning.. mom had to secure a tow for the car my brother had been driving the day earlier breaking down midway between Cheyenne and Pine Bluffs.. she got ahold of the guy who would get the car.. I ran the keys down to him using the other car.. we wouldn't trust this car to get us back to Fort Collins anytime soon.. I got the keys down there and returned before ten.. we would leave about eleven for the hospital in Fort Collins.. there would be no van load this time, it was just me and mom.. everyone else was busy with prior commitments.. we got to the hospital by one and went to the emergency room and found his room was empty.. he was moved upstairs to his own room.. on our way up in the elevator we both felt that he dodged a bullet.. he was good enough to be in his own room.. he would be able to got over this then.. we got to his room and there he was sitting there watching tv.. we went in and visited with him.. I doubt very much that mom told him about the car and all the goings on from the day before.. truth is I can only remember the first two or three days of the ordeal, the rest is a blank.. until the end.. but on that Saturday the one thing that sticks out in my mind was when dad told us they told him he had a heart attack.. that was news to us but looking back it would explain certain things.. they hadn't yet taken the tube out of his stomach (where he did the perateniel dialysis) but they would eventually do that.. they told him he had a heart attack and looking back I think we should have stayed there and talked to a doctor and made sure they knew he was there for an infection.. lets get the infection gone then lets see about the heart attack thing.. we knew one of his arteries was still plugged a little but that should have been less of a worry then the infection.. he looked good.. he had a tube snaked up his nose that went down to his stomach to get rid of the infection.. we would leave shortly after getting there.. probably by two or there after.. we got back home before it was totally dark.. but we felt things were better, no doubt he was in better shape.. if I would have known then what I know now I would have insisted on seeing a doctor.. see the doctor who was treating him for the infection.. then get that doctor to see the doctor who would want to treat his heart condition and make sure they were on the same page.. I don't know why we were in a hurry to get home but we left.. and when we did leave I didn't know that this would be the last time I was sure my dad knew who I was..
Sunday came, and my little brother and his wife would go and see dad.. me and mom would stay home and rest up.. I thought dad would be home by the end of the week, I was just sure of it.. I went down to my brothers house before he left to take some of dads things that he requested to have.. we talked and then I came home and he left for Fort Collins.. I felt like asking if I could go along but decided not to because I was convinced that the fight was over and dad was the victor... it was a close call but dad beat the odds again.. and the Monday came...
Thinking back on the whole ordeal I think that first Monday was when things really started to go south.. I feel and have felt from that point on that what ended up happening was going to.. I think now that we should have been there through all of it.. maybe even staying in Fort Collins at least through that Tuesday.. it was a strange feeling.. and I feel strange now all these years after the fact, that we only saw the doctor treating dad only once.. mom talked to him on the phone once... and we saw other doctors later on but the first 48 hours we saw the doctor once.. thinking back I feel now that we should have insisted on seeing the doctor, on that Saturday and Sunday both.. Monday was strange.. I think we went down, all three brothers and mom.. and I can't remember getting there very early, more than likely it was late morning maybe even early afternoon.. he had a procedure that was to check his heart.. what they did was go up through his groin and check his heart.. what they (the techs and all) didn't know was that dad had an infection that with someone doing what they were trying to do would all but kill him.. which I think is exactly what happened.. they started the procedure and his vitals started to sag and they couldn't figure out why.. he wasn't recovered from fighting the infection.. and when they started this that day they cut his chances of living to less than two percent.. (I'm making that up, actually I think they cut his chances of surviving to 0%)... so I would say that day they killed my dad, THANK YOU!! we got there and he was in recovery ICU and he was in varying states of awake.. I think he recognized my older brother and younger brother and mom but I never heard him say my name ever again the remainder of his life... and that Monday was the last day I can recall things from that first thirteen days of the seventeen.. there were days where they ran together.. I didn't keep a diary on line or elsewhere so recall for me is sketchy at best.. so after we left that Monday evening I think someone else drove back to Sidney while I would have had to drive all the way back home with mom.. in the van.. the feeling completely different from the Saturday night when we felt so good about things..
Tuesday:: Tuesday... Tuesday... I can't remember that Tuesday while dad was in the hospital.. we would miss some three trips to Fort Collins.. that past Sunday as one.. a snow day in there somewhere, and for me at least was a trip that mom went with her granddaughter.. on a Tuesday in happier times I remember going with dad to check out a van in Ogallala.. it was a nice day some 14 months before this happened.. I was glad to go with dad anywhere.. I remember going with him to see the doctor way back when he first got diagnosed with being a diabetic way back in the day.. I don't know why I went with him.. but dad wasn't around a whole bunch when I was really young.. we went to a lot of places, I really liked being with him even though we didn't talk that much.. he was very out going and had a great number of people he knew..
Wednesday:: Again I wish I could remember anything of substance from that first Monday though to the Saturday before he passed away.. I can remember a few things but can't place the day with the event, small or insignificant as it might have been.. he had the tube in his abdomen taken out probably by the end of that first week because as I said they thought it was his heart that he was in the hospital for, not the infection.. that Wednesday was a week after we went to the dialysis center in for a regular check on his dialisate that he did exchanges every four hours or so.. they checked it to make sure everything was good.. had there been even a third day I wonder if they might have seen an infection in it's early stages.. I'm of the impression that I doubt that they would have... simply put, I feel that when he was straining to go to the bathroom (have a bowel movement) he ruptured his intestinal wall enough that the dialisate that was in him got into the tear and mixed with that therein, and so that was the start of everything.. however that Wednesday we were loading up in the van for the trip down to Fort Collins and all I remember thinking was here we go again, another trip (boring).. god I wish we could have done that for a few more years...
The following days going down there would just run together, not much great happened.. I know they did take the tube out of his stomach but I'm not sure when it was done.. the reason I know they took it out was he showed us the little stitched area where the tube was.. and I do remember them taking the tube out because we made the comment that he had a lot of trouble coming out from under the last time when they had tried to do the stint or whatever it was that they did the previous Monday.. they assured us they would just put under just enough to do this then bring him right out.. I think those days would have been more memorable if we could have stayed there.. but also staying there would possibly scarred me more than the event already did.. I was thinking that I was preparing myself for the day when dad would no longer be with us and I thought sure.. no problem.. but when he was in the hospital for more than a week and didn't look like an end was in sight, or at least a happy ending was in sight... I didn't think the end was near.. I guess I was holding out hope right to the very end.. I did think until that Monday that dad would be home by Friday.. then after that Monday I started to think in weeks, not days.. and into the next week I started to think maybe by the end of the year, first of the following year..
when he broke his ankle eleven months earlier he broke it in front of the village office, which was handy for us, we lived across the ally from there.. they said come down and help your dad get to his feet.. I saw his ankle and said that wasn't going to happen.. broken ankle is one thing, fractured is quite the other.. they came and got him in the ambulance and took him to the Sidney hospital and then transferred him to Fort Collins and the reason why Fort Collins was chosen was because that is where his dialysis center was and where the tube was put in just the floor below where he wold be recovering from the surgery to reset his ankle.. we got to the hospital in Fort Collins by the early afternoon.. they would perform the surgery by two that afternoon.. but something happened and the surgeon was in the operating room until late pushing the surgery for dad to about nine that night.. we left for home that night around ten thirty or eleven or whatever it was.. and dad would take the rest of that week to get to where he could come home.. the thing that sticks out in my mind was the fact that we wanted dad in the hospital where just one floor under him they were performing dialysis and operating on people to do the same thing that dad was doing with exchanges in that way.. but they here on this floor up above hadn't heard of such a thing.. that stunned me, and all of us as well.. to me it's the same thing as being in a two story mall, and never checking out the floor below you, just existing with those people below your store.. never knowing what they might do down there, because you never go down there.. maybe that's too easy to explain that way.. maybe it would be more complex.. but it stunned me that nobody.. and I do mean NOBODY had heard of this type of exchange dialysis.. at least not on that floor of the hospital..
There were weather issues.. it did snow at least once enough to keep us from going down there.. mom had the other car looked at and the mechanic said sure drive it down there.. this would be handier because it took less gas than the van would... the wind blew very hard at least twice during this time as well and one of the times we went I took my older brother down with me.. I never went alone and the main reason was because I felt it would be selfish to go by myself.. that first week was really tough, dad went from looking good on Saturday to not looking so hot by that second Sunday.. that second Sunday was Halloween and I kinda remember it because the weather was turning, it went from cool to cloudy and looked very ominous by the time we came home.. we would get home by trick or treat time and mom got a call from the hospital.. it was the doctor and he told mom this could be a long haul and to maybe pace ourselves rather than coming every day... the next day it snowed enough to keep us from trying it.. the following Tuesday we went to get a cell phone before we left on the trek down there.. a cell phone made it easier for people to get ahold of us.. the hospital was originally set to call my older brother in the event they couldn't reach us, but with the cell phone mom changed the contact to this phone..
When I started this little essay I was going to go day to day as it was and try to write from memory what happened each day.. I wrote about this subject a few years ago as a way to try to remember it.. but then as with now I draw a blank on the most of the happenings during that two plus week period.. I think possibly it was because I was starting to think this would continue for an indefinite period, maybe as long as a year.. something wasn't quite right.. I knew dad would be ok, but why did everyone think the opposite.. that second Monday we didn't go down because of the weather.. I went to the mail after noon because I hated to bump into people before all this took place but now I really hated to bump into people because now they would ask hows your dad and I would answer that I thought he was doing alright, feeling like I was lying but also we didn't see the doctors while down there..
Dad was in the ICU three separate times, the first time when he was first there for the first day and then in a room upstairs.. then the second time in ICU was after the heart procedure for a day or possibly two.. then the last time he was in ICU was from that final Thursday until the third Sunday (the seventh of November).. he was in three different rooms while he was there upstairs as well... one of the times we were there they needed to do an MRI or some sort of test and he was moving too much.. he was trying to pull the tubes out of his arms and they wanted to sedate him and we didn't think he knew us at all as it was, let's not dope him up so he really just lays there and drools.. if I knew my dad I think he was tired of the whole thing and didn't want to have the tubes in him anymore... or have the tests done to see what they might could do.. the day he was to try and have this test done again he was out of his room and we waited and waited for him.. I finally got pissed and went looking for where this room was.. mom thought they wouldn't have him covered up and was afraid dad would be cold.. I went to the MRI room but they had just taken him back up.. which turned out to be true, they must have been on one of the other elevators.. I got back up stairs and he wasn't in his room yet but was in transit to the room..
This part of the story is added after the fact by an extra year or two beyond the original.. mom went into the hospital this past March for Sinus Obliteration Surgery, and after what we went through with dad I swore to never feel that in the dark EVER AGAIN!! we would hear from the doctor regularly or at least the fact that we could see such amazing progress in the thirteen days she was up there that when she left that hospital everything looked great.. she had to had intravenous antibiotics every four hours for the next eight weeks (including the first two at Scottsbluff) and while there were questions about her care in Sidney there never was a question while at Regional West.. mom did get pissed that we were checking her care and questioning her care almost daily, but I told her then that after what we went through with dad I would never want to feel that lost ever again and I meant it..
The Thursday night I remember having some sort of hamburger helper type of meal thing.. I can't say that I've had any hamburger helper since but I might have.. it's a subtle reminder of part of that time.. I was listening to my music that night but can't recall anything that I might have listened to.. sometimes it's good to not put music with a time event.. that Friday after the start of this or the week to the day after it all started me and mom went to see dad, and I think he was finally out of the ER or ICU whichever he was in.. we got back kinda early, and stopped at the local Walmart and my niece was working there and told me she wanted to go on the next day (Saturday) so mom suggested that she drive and maybe I could take that next day off or go with her driving. I opted to stay behind.. I needed to get the lawn mowed for the last time that year so I had that excuse to stay behind.. also dad wasn't recognizing me anymore.. that afternoon dad did say he knew who Tabitha was and even called her by her name..
After dad started to recover from being out for the surgery that Monday he kept saying something about my older brother and the Baldwins (his dads inlaws, or my dads mothers side of the family) and kept talking about Iowa (where the in-laws were from) and it was really odd.. he hadn't been back there for some sixty years or so and so it was like the clock was turned back for him.. I thought it was totally off until a year later when I got sick to my stomach and realized that I had the same thing happen to me.. like a time shift sort of thing.. and mom while she was recovering from separating her shoulder was doped up on pain pills and she had any number of things go bezerk for her.. a mind set that happens to everyone when stressed I guess.. anyway while mom and Tabitha were in Fort Collins I mowed the lawn and the strangest thing happened while I was mowing.. I was in the back yard mowing and thought I saw someone out of the corner of my eye... I thought it was someone I knew from when I was younger but it turns out it was no one.. I walked around the bush there and stepped back and then ran to the ally and looked both ways.. nobody was there.. I started to think I was loosing my mind... that night mom told me what had happened while they were down seeing dad, that he recognized Tabitha and I said it didn't surprise me.. the next day would be Halloween, and it just didn't feel the same...
I really thought that at the worst dad would end up being in a rest home until he got better.. he had to go to a swing bed type of situation while he rehabbed from his broken ankle.. he had to go in then because we couldn't take care of him because he was rather heavy any while I could lift him I was afraid I might hurt him.. so when we came back from Fort Collins after he got his ankle set, we came home for the weekend, then he decided to go into the swing bed thing.. he would be there only four days, from late Monday until the afternoon of that Friday.. but when he was in the hospital for the infection he would struggle quite a bit.. he was trying to pull the tubes out of his arms and wherever there were tubes (he had them in his neck as well).. he would be assigned a nurse 24/7 because they couldn't afford to have him pull a tube out because it was becoming increasingly hard for them to find a vein to poke.. he was shutting down from the outer extremeties in... and that was somewhat of a sign to me I'm sure I saw that as not good but I also knew my dad was a fighter.. but on this fight it was clear the cards were stacked against him like they never were before.. he needed all of his ability to fight this infection and they came and did that heart procedure that his body could not recover from.. a young person would have trouble fighting an infection and recover from any surgery as well.. that's why they don't do it that way.. (does it sound like I'm still pissed about things?? YES ... I AM!!)..
November::: It felt really odd to think of not going down to see dad at the hospital there in Fort Collins but when mom got the car looked at (the buick was still in the shop getting a new transmission) is seemed logical to continue to go as long as it felt like there was progress being made... ok looking back I realize progress wasn't being made, dad was going slowly backwards from good to bad to.. just hard to imagine that he could be going in the direction he would end up going in.. that Monday the first day of November was a snow day, we didn't get a whole lot of snow but because we didn't know what there was in Wyoming or along the trip road wise we opted to stay home... thankfully from that Tuesday on we would go last five days continuous.. that Tuesday we stopped and got the cell phone.. if it seems like I've already written this fact it is because like I have said i'm trying to write this in cronological order.. so I try to add something on each day as that day was represented here.. the first of November was a snow day I'm pretty sure of this fact.. Tuesday we got the phone, and headed down there.. I wish I could say something eventful of some sort happened that day beyond us getting that phone.. oh yes, the re election of president Bush happened.. without our help I might add.. the election was the furthest thing from our minds that year on those days.. I think the next Wednesday we went down and he was in the ICU by then.. or maybe it was that Thursday that he was back in the ICU.. we did see an infection specialist (I think that's what he was) and I don't remember getting any information from him.. in fact I don't remember getting any information from any doctor down there pretty much from day one.. I felt like anyone could find out as much as we knew by walking into that hospital and asking if my dad was there (by name of course) and finding out yes he was there.. that's about as much as we ever knew about dads condition there.. although the next few days would prove we knew just about exactly where this was heading...
THE FINAL BIT:: Did I mention we got a cell phone on that second Tuesday?? I know I did.. well now we could be gotten a hold of wherever we were.. I liked the idea of having the phone because after the trouble with the Buick that my older brother had it was good to have the cell phone, and the car we were now driving was tempermental as hell.. that Tuesday was just as loaded with unmemorable moments as any down at the hospital.. nothing new to report.. Wednesday I think my older brother and I went without mom in tow.. it was tough to see day in the state he was in, I really didn't like to see him that way.. they had him sitting in a chair by the window thinking he wanted to be there.. he didn't.. they moved him back to his bed.. the pastor from the Methodist church stopped by and saw dad.. we left, probably we were there for an hour maybe..
Thursday we went down, I think either me and mom and little brother or big brother and us two (mom and me) and I think they had moved dad to the ICU by this time.. we saw a doctor of some sort that day although how we ran into him is beyond me.. it seems the doctors were alerted to our being there and ran as far away as they could, or since the weather was fairly nice they were playing golf..
Friday was the same as the previous few days.. dad was in ICU and they steadily increased his dialysis from what was supposed to be every other day to every day to that Friday they were doing it every eight hours or quite possibly more often..
Saturday the sixth of November: we woke up and ate breakfast.. mom had speant a good while on Friday night looking for insurance documents.. not to pay for the hospital stay or any troubles therein but rather for dads life insurance.. then had her daughter-in-law look at these papers, just in case.. mom had a feeling something might be about to happen.. anyway that Saturday morning it was really nice out and was supposed to be a nice fall day.. mom made the comment about maybe not going down that day.. and I remember telling her that I felt that we should go down.. for one thing he was in the ICU which can never be considered to be a good thing unless he was getting better and we could see easily that this was not the case at all... she agreed we should go.. another reason to go was the weather was perfect for getting there and back without any problems mom called the rest of the family and they all agreed to go.. we took the van.. we get to the hospital parking lot and the cell phone rings.. it's the hospital here in Fort Collins and they talk to mom.. not to make her think anything had happened but dads condition was now deteriorated to the point where they needed to put him on the resperator and he refused and they were checking to see if this was what she wanted as well.. she told them we were just in the lot and would be there in less than five minutes.. we arrive and mom asks dad if he really didn't want this and his answer was clearly no, he didn't want the resperator.. this is such a bold and brave move on my dads part.. I think he knew how hard it would be for us to turn it off, but more to the point he had trouble with one a few years earlier when he had pnemonia in Sidney.. we would spend the better part of the afternoon in dads room.. I felt like we were saying good-bye.. they now were doing dialysis twelve hours at a time.. so in other words he was on that machine 24/7 now.. I remember looking at he tubes, the monitor that showed all his vital signs and the feeder tubes and wishing he weren't there like that.. it's hard to see dad that way.. we would leave just as the sun was setting.. we told him we'd see him tomorrow... I have to say that even with all the negative feelings that I still felt like he had a comeback in him.. just one more comeback.. you can't give up now...
SUNDAY THE SEVENTH OF NOVEMBER 2004:: Saturday night we got home by seven or there abouts and the phone rings just after we get in the door.. the phone ringing made us jumpy through the entirety of this whole ordeal but it got worse with every passing day and every setback and such. in this case it was the guy who worked on the Buick.. he got it done and insisted on getting paid that night because he said he was going on vacation the next day and wanted to get paid for the work he did.. he brought the car down and mom paid him and thanked him for getting it done relatively in good time..
Sunday was a fairly nice day, a lot like Saturday was.. I got in the Buick and took it out for a quick spin to see if it ran alright.. we hadn't decided which vehicle to take yet that day and my test drive lent the decision to drive the Buick.. I took the car out north of town like I always do.. 4 1/4 miles out north.. then turned around and came back in.. the road that far out is paved and at the end of this road is the cemetery, and I'll never forget what I thought as I got to the turnaround there.. I thought "I wonder how long it will be before we bring dad out here"... I'll forget thinking that, because I still go out there and by there and everytime I do I think of what I thought that day.. we left by nearly eleven that morning.. it was just us, me and mom, on that lonely journey to Fort Collins one more time.. we got there to the hospital and went to his ICU room and he was still there, still there... still there... we walked in and tried to make conversation as best we could.. I walked over to the monitor with the readout of his vitals and there was the sure sign that things were about to change.. the days prior to this day the readout showed spiked heart rhythm as with anyone who has seen this type of thing on an EKG.. but on this day, it had changed.. no more was there the sharp lines.. instead now the lines were curved and lazy looking.. thinking back this was the truest sign that dad was leaving us.. I think at the time that we entered into the room there that dad postponed his dying for a while until we left that night.. we were there until about three or just after.. before we left mom told dad to just go to sleep, relax and just go to sleep... we left just after three and got to Kimball and went to the Burger King there and I got a milkshake and I don't think mom got anything... while we were in the drive through the cell phone rang, mom fumbled around with it and by the time she got it answered the caller was off line.. we figured that this was "the call".. mom hadn't used the phone at all prior to this time and so she didn't know how to answer it, which button to push... we didn't know it was the call nor who the call was from, but looking back that is when we figured they originally called us.. then about the time we got to the old com tower south of Sunol the phone rang again.. this time mom got the news that dad had passed away....
And then:: When mom pushed the red button on the phone she turned to me and said "that's it, dad just passed away".. the feeling I felt at that moment... there is no description.. I had been preparing myself for this for the previous two years but the feeling was beyond.... I called everyone and we met at my older brothers house shortly after to tell everyone the news.. we went home after and started to prepare for..
At about 4:30 on November 7, 2004 almost 17 days to the very hour after all this started, it was over... the funeral was attended by his only remaining brother and my moms brother as well as all three of his sons and spouses (except for me, the ugly duckling.. spouse I mean).. and then that Friday morning moms brother went home with the weather turning threatening.. his brother, from San Diego left that Sunday afternoon.. then it was just me and mom.. I moved the cars around, took the Buick out north and went to dads grave site and just thought for a moment.. thought about everything... from when we were younger.. growing up, with my dad.. everyone says their dad is the best.. well my dad was the best... I can't imagine it any other way..
I still can't remember everything that happened during those days after the first Monday until that Saturday (the sixth) that we all went down.. I think of the things that have happened since he passed away and there have been a few that are pretty incredible.. one that there is a black president in the white house.. but the greatest thing that dad missed was the birth of his grandson Ian.. dad would have been extremely proud and would have been hard to pry away from him when he sees him, much the same way mom is now.. dad was great with kids.. he was a teacher in school and watched a great number of kids grow up... he would really get a kick out of his grandson...
I wrote an essay about the same as this one about two years after and even then couldn't remember everything.. and I don't know how important it is to write this.. I figure nobody actually reads these blogs.. but every year I try to write something and this year I tried to write the whole thing again.. thinking I might have missed something.. this might read kinda scattered but I wrote some about every day, or tried to.. today however I decided to end the torture and finish it off.. I knew there would be no "eureka" moment of clarity and I'd remember something that happened on those days.. it's my way of remembering.. trying to cope with our loss... following is from the original entry.. I think I wrote it twice the first time... :
POST SCRIPT...: This is the final entry to my memory of 11/7/04.... as things began to unfold before us, or me, I couldn't believe what was happening... my dad was so strong, both mentally and physically... diabetis is the second worst disease a person can be diagnosed with after certain forms of cancer... it is a slow killer.. a few questions that have yet to be answered... one, did the hospital in Sidney ever check the sample that I took to them... I figure they didn't seeing as how we ended up in Fort Collins that next morning... secondly, and to me the most damning is the fact that they started to perform the stint procedure on that first Monday and why did they?? he was in the hospital as an infections patient, not for a heart attack as they said... I still say that had this not been done to him he would have had a fighting chance to beat this thing... it was a case of one hand literally not knowing what the other hand was doing...or in other words one doctor didn't know what the others were doing... this will bother me till the day I die... third, why did the doctors not come and talk to us.. we were there in the hospital at about the same time every day... and they did tell us it would be a long haul and that we should pick and choose what days to go down... granted we didn't go looking for them but still that is their job... when dad was in the hospital for the tube to be placed in his abdomen, we would try to call to find out what was going on, was he doing alright and we were told we couldn't be told what was going on without knowlledge of who we were.... that I could understand but when we were there in the hospital towards the end of his life no one even bothered to talk to us... a few nurses did but they really had no answers... and forth, I guess why did they do so many things to him in a surgical way so many times in the first three days???.... I'm not sure I will ever know... my older brother says that this is the way it can be with some people that are critically ill.. they may show signs of being fine shortly after they were admitted but then turn shortly after and die... but I still say if they wouldn't have done all the things they did he would have at least had a fighting chance... and I would have liked his odds... dad never knew the trouble Bob had getting down there that Friday.. you know I never told my dad I loved him, I never felt like I had to tell him or any of the family for that matter... we are all related.. by blood... that's enough for me.... that says love without ever having to say it... this will likely be the last entry I will ever do here on this subject... it was a good release... I needed to put it down somewhere sometime soon before I forgot about it completely... there were other things that happened that I can't remember... I blame it on going numb over the last week of the ordeal.. life changed that Thursday the 22nd of October, and then again really changed completely seventeen days later... you can never be prepared for something like that... I got to see my dad fight the good fight.. at the end in the final twenty-four hours or so of his life we got to see the integrity of my dad in all it's glory when he refused to be placed on the ventilator... I've heard that people who opt to have a relative placed on the ventilator agonize over it.. in our case we could have said put him on it... then in a week or two turned it off or left him on it.. until the guilt changed our minds... I think we did the right thing... dad was gone..... modern medicine kept him alive an extra week or so.... in the end I like to think he went peacefully to sleep... and woke up somewhere else... peaceful.... healed.... and kissed his mother....
I forgot one little thing.. that Sunday night when we were out by Kimball I kept noticing this strange thing in the night sky.. the sky was changing colors and it was the northern lights.. we saw this before we even knew that dad had passed away.. it felt like he was showing that he was ok.. or something like that.. I do think of dad a lot.. at this time of year I think of dad daily.. when mom went through all that she did I thought of dad and wondered what he would have done.. knowing how he is he would have just taken it in stride as he did everything.. these two weeks (the last week of October and the first week of November) I seem to have more "deja vu" moments.. it must be the sun at the right angles and certain smells... I just miss dad a lot.. this year was a lot like that year.. a warm summer but not excessive.. a cool fall although this year we have gotten more snow than I think we got all of that year.. but then again I don't know.. the rest of that year I was lost.. we had gotten into going down there just like with everytime we had to do that.. then all of a sudden it was over.. the question of "how's your dad?" stopped.. now the questions of "hows your mom?" are asked.. reminds me of that time.. but.. well until next years writing..
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This entry was pulled from my private myspace site, and was written pretty much over the time frame that it was taking place back in 2004, written in 2007/08 and post scripted the next year as well.. Racking my brain I try to get what happened in the blank spaces that I couldn't remember.. And still there are blank holes in the timeline, nearly impossible to reacquire those memories..
BH
Final entry for 2011??? (A RETROSPECTIVE TYPE OF THING) This year started where last year ended, but don't they all?? But what I mean is the in October of 2010 Lucy went to Poland with Ian to get her immigration status squared up, and she was still there as this year began. As we started the new year we still weren't half way through them being gone.. It's hard to imagine them being gone for that long, and right now that seems impossible of such a thing to have to endure with mom in her current condition, more about that later.. When mom asked Donald when he was planning to go over there and see them he stated he wasn't planning to go at all.. However in February he changed his mind and went over the first of April. Her status got cleared up on Valentines day of all days, she would be home in April, there would be no shortening of her stay.. When that earthquake hit in Japan in March I thought just let them get home then the world could end.. They got back home late April and soon after everything returned to normal.. Everything was normal until September 25.......................: 
