PONDERING THE FUTURE

Something I was thinking about when I was getting up this morning.. We might have had six inches of snow this year so far. This season from the first snow until now, total accumulation of maybe six inches of snow.. Strange how dry this year has been but I remember the winter before dad passed away I rode my mountain bike almost every day through that winter.. Except for a week to ten days total..








We were taking care of the nephew again today and mom made the comment she wished he had a little brother to play with, that he just seems to be begging us to play with him.. Mom can't play with him the way he wants because she has no balance, and fears falling with every step she takes.. I can't play with him because I don't have his imagination, nobody my age has his imagination.. He is in his own world, all kids are... We get to his house and instead of having us for the next hour, his mom steps out the front door.. While we might have been able to leave right then, his grandma goes in then out to the back yard where he wanted to play in the sandbox but of course his grandma can't sit and play because of her situation.. Every time we said "well time to go" he would say not yet.. So for a half an hour we tried to leave and he heads us off at the pass.. Then we go out to the car, he has to talk his parting conversation, talking cars, car parts.. anything to keep us there.. Then we have to go and it's ok, see you later.. See you later, you little nut...

BH

JANUARY BLUES

A year ago at this time we were all thinking that this was just half over.. The ordeal that was Lucy going to Poland for a six month stint, to get her immigration status settled.. So by just about the end of January we were thinking this is finally half over.. Trouble was the first half, as bad as it was, was nothing as bad as the second half would prove to be.. First of all the greatest program on the computer and what made this event tolerable was Skype, the internet video telephone service.. We didn't even have an account set up until like a month before she left.. We didn't test it out with them being just in Sidney, so the first true test was when they were in Warsaw, three days into the ordeal.. Thinking back at just how hard that was on mom.. I was telling her about it again a few weeks ago and those same emotions were still there.. Being forced to not see her favorite "little man" right now would be unthinkable... Mom is fragile, yet tough.. I guess that can describe anyone really.. But thinking of a year ago I think that last year was just about the better or closest to perfect time for that to have happened, short of her going before she got pregnant.. Because now Ian is in preschool two days a week, learning language skills that are becoming more evident all the time.. Word phrases and expressions that are useful in everyday life.. I watched him the other day and he is so interesting in everything he does.. We went out to get ice cream and me and mom went to the booth to sit down and he stayed up at the counter, one hand on his hip the other on the counter in his "well I'm WAITING" pose.. It was a golden moment.. He looked at me and I said scowl at her.. He doesn't know what that means, best he can muster is a cute little boy stare.. Oh well live and learn...

BH

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW

This past Thursday was a month removed from Christmas.. And everything that went down that day, strange.. I took care of the nephew again Thursday (the 26th) and took him to one of the parks there in town and watched him climb on the playground thing they have there.. I played and I watched and I had a thought go through my (lame brain) head, I wondered if my brother, the boo's father, ever takes him to the park and watches him play like that.. I watched him play, I don't have a gadget (I-anything) and so I watch him play, and I feel like if you pay more attention to the gadget than the little guy then you are cheating yourself out of watching him grow.. I like watching him play and grow his imagination is fresh.. Like watching grass grow, or the pumpkins I grew a few times before.. I do worry about a few things however. He has a tendency to not want to go home, and so when we go get his grandma and then went to the store to shop, he got yet another set of hot wheels cars, last time at Walmart he got the much "neeeed" ed guitar.. He got that set of cars and said he was so happy.. Reminds me of someone, when he got what he wanted he was so happy, and when he didn't (doesn't) he is an absolute shit bucket.. Anyway we go to the park again for a while, then head to his house all the while he says he doesn't want to go home.. We get to his house and are sitting there and mom gets the idea to go by his uncle Bob's work place, so we go there.. I'm not a big fan of bothering anyone at work, or their work site and especially his site because of how I feel about him.. But we stop by and he seems generally happy to see the little guy, and impressed with the new set of cars... WOW!!

Tuesday while I was watching the little guy we went out to get his grandma and then go get some ice cream and all through being outside he was cold, and even said as much.. He has no true coat, overcoat type of thing.. Winter coat, and after mom saw him saying he was cold she broke down and bought him one.. We had checked a few weeks ago at the local walmart and had him try one on, but he didn't want one so we put it off.. After Tuesday mom had seen enough and so she bought him one.

Friday we come here to grandmas house and she shows him look what we got you, a new coat and he went nearly berzerk... HE DIDN'T WANT A COAT!! He started to cry and throw a fit and I tried to tell him it would help him stay warm.. Somewhere along the way someone or something has made him almost fearful of a coat.. I didn't like the way he was towards his grandma and was trying to explain why we got it for him, but he didn't want it it.. I said fine will take it back, or give it to someone who would appreciate it.. His mom comes later and she made him at least try it on.. I felt so stupid after the fact.. I'm not his dad and what was I thinking trying to make him wear that coat.. It's like when I got him at preschool one morning and earlier in the day it was like zero degrees but by the time I had picked him up it was in the twenties.. He wanted to go play in the park and truth be told I so badly wanted to say no it was too cold but he wanted to go.. So we went and he got on a swing and I pushed him.. The chain is cold to the touch and he didn't have gloves on and so he started to fold his arms around the chains and I told him to hold onto the chains and he then said it was too cold.. No shit, he said that so we went to his house.. He is a lot like his mom in that he can't be told logic, he has to experience it..

Today I wake up with yesterdays goings on fresh in my mind and, you know how you feel like something bad is going to happen?? I was so cautious yesterday, but still that was what I wasn't wanting to happen.. With the shit from Christmas still fresh on my mind I have to constantly think of not putting my feelings into watching the nephew.. Just watch him.. I have to know I'm not his parent.. I know that taking him to the park when it is obviously too cold might look like I am not really watching out for him, but I feel like whatever he wants he should get within reason of course.. When we were at the store they have a toy section there at Safeway and so he gets to start in early "how we get this?".. Walmart we know where the toy section is.. Mom has the ability to tell him no she just chooses not to.. My idea is that if he wants this toy then chose which toy you keep, just one toy not a basket full... I took him into walmart Friday to get moms prescription and he stayed right near me and didn't go to the toy section.. He wanted to get to his grandmas house, so he wasn't too interested in a detour.. So when we came here on a road he has never been on (so far as I know) he was at a loss for where we were at.. I'll never do that idea again any time soon.. Maybe when he gets to be ten or so.. Maybe...


Freda sent me an email about a week before the 25th of January and said all sorts of nothing too grand.. Yea I agree with a lot that she said, I do miss their girls but they are older now and getting into their own families BIG TIME... But at the end of the letter she said something that made me laugh.. Truth be told I wanted to write her right back and explain a few things, that I feel mostly that we are now nearly no longer in their lives at all.. I told mom while we were shopping at Christmas time that I found myself shopping for who I needed to, but ended up seeing things for Ian only.. And my reasoning is that we are around him more than any others.. And then what happened on Christmas happened and it brought everything into focus.. I started to think of the past year, then two... all the way back to what mom told me and it made sense.. It saddens me that he feels this way and that saying he hates mom is too blunt, he has a strong dislike of her. Where that originated is beyond me.. But I don't think he told his wife what he told mom, and if I would have gotten brave enough to go out there that day and he unloaded on me that way things would really be different now.. More than they are.. I would like to know where we stand though... I wanted to write Freda back but decided not to.. Not yet.. Maybe in a little while.. Or maybe never... I don't know.. Is the healing starting for mom from Christmas?? A little.. She has to measure everything she says now.. When they were down a couple weeks ago I was here on the computer and they were in the front room and I could hear them talk. There was a lot of quiet times there.. They talked about nothing important.. How's the weather? After that it was quite quiet.. To have to measure your conversation, to think about what you are about to say and hope it doesn't offend somewhere down the line... I do think the less I add to the situation the better.. One thing that has passed this year is the annual trip to view the eagles.. I thought last weekend was nice enough to go to and I missed going.. Mom is sick this weekend so even if they said hey let's go I would have said no.. So this year is already different from the past six or so... The very first chance for everyone to possibly get together might be Ian's birthday, but.. Hopefully it will snow enough so we won't be able to go.. Fingers crossed..

BH

DON'T TURN ASSBITE er dude

Was watching the nephew yesterday and had to take him out to pick up his grandma and was driving down the street and came to a point where vehicles turn to go on another main street thing and one car turned within a hundred yards or so and then a big rig in back of him was looking like he was going to turn and I said, fairly loudly "DON'T TURN ASSBITE" , and then looked in the rear view mirror and remembered that the little guy (sponge) was with me and then said, er dude... I forget and the little guy picks up language from everyone.. My fear is he will got to preschool and tell one of his classmates or teacher not to do something and then express himself with assbite... Ooops, I can see everyone looking for where he got that one from and well I come up with some odd assed things to say...


BH

THE FEELING OF VICTORY

In late October sometime I had heard of this thing called SOPA that the congress was discussing and I looked at it a little.. I had been railing against the pipeline being put in our backyard (figurative) here in Nebraska.. One thing I didn't like about it was it was being buried in the aquifer that supplied our entire state and eight others with drinking water, and yeah if the oil were to spill everyone would have to find a new water supply.. When that got sidelined (it seemed) then this new "cause" shot up on importance.. Well it seemed not that important at the time, but I thought I'd check into it some more.. It didn't take long for me to read that this would change the internet completely and possibly even ruin it.. Why I dove head first into this I don't know, I was hoping someone would see that it was bad and do what I really don't like to which is get involved.. But get involved I did switching my vision from the pipeline to the SOPA PIPA bills which at Christmas time were about to be voted on secretly which was total crap.. There are those who watch the government very closely and on this I took those mentions and tweeted the hell out of them.. I had fewer that a hundred followers at that time but felt like, in my case I get tweets by people I don't follow, and was hoping this would be true of the tweets I was sending out.. The twitterverse is an odd thing, it is the reason things are done now.. Anyway I hope my tweets were read by more people than what I have as followers, or that everyone who cared used twitter to spread the word.. It seems the only people who knew of these bills were those on a dozen sites, of which a little known (by me) site was one of them.. When Go Daddy said they supported the SOPA bill a site called REDDIT organized a retaliation to have as many people revoke their sites and move them to a site that didn't support SOPA.. That move made Go Daddy change their stance on the support of the bill, sort of.. They told everyone that they didn't support the bill but didn't remove their name as a supporter of the bill in Washington.. That was watched by the sites that watch things like that.. So last Wednesday comes and 150,000 sites go black or partially black in support of removing these bills from consideration.. It felt so amazing to see this happen, I can only imagine what it felt like back in the sixties or something..


New Homepage set up:: Back in November around Thanksgiving I had something happen where I downloaded an update for a program and during the install I wasn't paying attention and I had my homepage switched to something I didn't want and in the process of switching back I couldn't get mine back.. I decided to search for a homepage and Googled it. I came up with four, Bing, Yahoo, MSNBC and one other i had never hear of before in I-Google.. i-Google is something completely different in that it has modules or what they call "gadgets" that you can add as many as you want.. I've written about this before, I added so many gadgets with the idea that I would cut the number down as I saw what I used and which were important.. The past nearly two months now I have been working on this, adding some and subtracting some.. I want a strong concise page, and use Yahoo as a template of sorts.. It will be an ongoing project probably indefinite... But I think that is a good thing... Betther than being stuck with what other homepages give you..

BH

WHAT THAT MEANS

Back in the early nineties my little brother went to live with his grandma for a short time.. Actually I think he was hoping to start there with his adult life or try something because he was tired of being here.. I wanted him to be able to live there and maybe I would try to move there sometime later but... As things turned out, that wasn't the plan.. He would be there for only a few short weeks as living with grandma was trickier that he was ready for.. But in the amount of time he was gone, the early part mom went with him, then dad went on that first Friday to get mom. That Friday was an odd one, after dad left I decided to drink a little, which isn't completely odd.. I didn't drink a whole lot.. While drinking I decided a little music should be playing.. I was into a rock group called the Church back then and still can listen to them even now.. The Church are a group from "down under" as they say, from Australia and I liked their different sound, a little lighter than some of the groups I was into and no they are definitely NOT religious by any stretch of the imagination.. I had gotten their latest album Priest=Aura and it was just mesmerizing.. That night would be so memorable not because of an actual event, but a dream I had..

One of the songs called Ripple stands out as one of those great songs, and a haunting song as well.. I rarely care for lyrics and don't listen to the songs closely at all.. And I don't know why this song stands out for me.. I was running through the songs on the computer yesterday and this song was on the play list and the memory of that night came to mind.. : Tiny baby, so naive
I can't believe what you believe
You were once so happy here
It may not be eden or summer in greece
You may not even find the gold fleece
In the drag of this atmosphere
Now i don't want to bring up a delicate matter
No i'd much rather bribe or flatter you
'cause flattery gets me everywhere
But you punctured my tires, you crossed all my wires
I brand your acolytes as a pack of liars
And the fire's singing everywhere

Buckle like a wreck on the cold green sea
Like you were a ripple in my memory

I lent you some collateral to buy new clothes
It went out the window and up your nose
And that's the end of the honeymoon
Yeah we walked down the aisle for another mile
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles
And you can have all the money soon

You're so deluxe, you're so divine
You're so fifty light years ahead of your time
You're a riddle, you're a ripple
You're the human sacrifice to the goddess of ice
Your hairdo is filled with diamonds and lice
And you're hardly off the nipple

Another little glitch in continuity
Like you were a ripple in my memory

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For no other reason than this song running through my head.. So later that night I put on Led Zeppelin The Song Remains The Same movie and watched at least through No Quarter, and I don't know if it was the sequence of the fantasy scenes or what but the dreams I had that night were strange at best.. : It seems we were playing tag, but with paint ball guns.. Then things got real, and the ink became real bullets.. I remember being in a precarious situation, having to hide to keep from being shot.. They had a better vantage point and I was trying to keep from being hit.. THIS IS FUN ISN'T IT??.. What it all means I don't know but when I made a break for it I ran hard and fast but not fast enough as I got shot.. Strange feeling what being hit by a bullet feels like and then I woke up in a puddle of sweat.. Like I said what it means I have no clue..


BH

HE PLAYED, WE SANG

So I was at the nephews house (Ian's house) and we go to his bedroom and he starts playing his drum set and he shows me something he has learned, the cross arms where the right hand plays the high hat set and the left hand plays the snare drum.. Still no true rhythm, but that was a start.. He starts playing a jam that is just a rock & roll dream.. Then he stops and looks at me and says, you want to try?? I say I'll give it a try.. A few days after he got the drums for Christmas we were there and his high hat cymbals came undone so I set them back up, and sat behind the set and banged them a bit, no rhythm.. This day would be different.. I sat down and started to play a rhythm.. Strait forward 4/4 rhythm, very danceable.. Them I went of track and went into some other rhythms.. All the time I'm playing his drum set I watch him and he starts tapping his foot to the BEAT I AM PLAYING... No I don't think giving him a drum set for Christmas was a waste of money at all.. He might play the drums, but he definitely has the rhythm gene no doubt about that.. Anyway,

From last Thursdays debacle at walmart:: A mistake is a mistake, we went to walmart to look for a coat for the little guy and he tried one on and he was done.. He didn't want a coat so he heads to the toy section and the first thing he picks out is a guitar.. Grandma is a sucker for letting him have at least something.. This was a toy guitar thing, presets for different sounds and such.. He then finds five other toys in succession each getting cheaper then more expensive then he stumbles across a cash register set and it runs on batteries and isn't running there in the store, that alone is a reason not to buy it in my mind.. However he REALLY NEEEEEEEDS THIS cash register.. "How we can get this?" His favorite saying.. So mom gets it for him.. We get to his house and he plays with it, gets the batteries in it and the bells and whistles work for ten minutes then it stops.. He starts in that we neeeed to go get that guitar.. Pretty soon it's a full blown crying match which tugs at the heart strings of his grandma.. we leave and thinking a night would change him with sleep and all.. The next day I get down there and sure enough first thing out of his mouth is "How we can get the guitar?"... I wasn't ready for that but I almost bet mom that he would say something about that before the day was out... I just didn't think he would say it before I got the door shut getting in Friday morning..

Fast forward to Tuesday and first thing he says to me when I pick him up at his preschool is "How we can get the guitar?".. holy shit.. So we pick up mom and I had already been to walmart earlier and saw the guitar he wanted was not there.. And so mom was trying to prepare the little nut for the possibility that it might not be there.. He looked up and down those aisles where the toys are and I did earlier try to find it but it wasn't there.. They had the "First act" guitars there which are very early model guitar for learning for four year olds.. So he picked one out and got it.. I did see a guitar toy thing that might have been what he might have wanted but I would rather he have a close to the real thing than another toy type.. Anyway long assed story short he has a guitar.. Maybe now he can sleep...

BH

HE WAS MY HERO

My memories of growing up with my dad are vivid still to this day.. I can honestly say I was always somewhat afraid of him but can't say why.. He was always very imposing of a figure.. He was big when I was little and remained that way until one day I saw myself able to look strait across into his eyes.. He took care of his family and was really a great man, to me anyway.. There were a great number of times, thinking back, that I had to be a massive disappointment to him.. There was the time I scraped a railing with the car.. Another time I was in an accident at the railroad crossing.. The time I got M.I.P.ed and through every failure he never once ripped into me, although I expected it.. The new years eve I was busted I remember the next day being in the kitchen waiting for him to thrash me. But he never did... I can still remember feeling the way I did, just that waiting for him to do something.. He never did... Through the years of him having his bypass surgery and then his stint.. Then the eventual dialysis situation then finally his leaving us, he was the most dignified person I have ever known EVER..

My older brother was named after my dad and my moms dad or my dads dad since he was Bob as well... Growing up with Bob we were together from the beginning, playing together at the old house next to the church, then to where we lived until he got married.. We went through a lot of things together in the beginning.. Mom dressed us kind of like we were twins sometimes although we were some 14 months apart age wise.. When we were in grade school we were separated by the two grades and that seemed like light years.. I rarely saw him in grade school.. By the time I got into high school he was a junior and I was a freshman and dealing with that fact.. He always seemed to fit into his class and I never fit with the kids I was with.. The best part of being a freshman was that all the kids or most of the kids in my class were the younger brothers or sisters of his classmates so all of a sudden the kids in my class stopped picking on me and started getting picked on by those kids.. The tables had maybe not turned but at least gotten even a little..

By the time Bob was a junior we were hanging out together once in a while, probably more often than he really wanted to but it was great to go out with him.. He knew more than I did, and the holiday break of his senior year he introduced me to my first taste of booze.. Taking my first sip was a shocker, I'll never forget that one thank you.. my first buzz was with him.. The first time I drove him and a couple of his friends home from the drive in when I hadn't had anything to drink and I also didn't have a license yet either..

Bob would work for the state doing something having to do with government programs.. Then he would work for Cabela's .. After that he got on at what I think he thought was a great job, he drove ambulance.. Something I could never see doing.. After picking up enough dead bodies he would crack when the dead bodies were little people, children.. Then he got onto the office of human development, O.H.D. at a place called the duplex.. After paying his dues there he moved into the main offices and soon was given by way of earning it... The head position.. He was given the position although he didn't have a degree from a school.. Others had the degree and were "qualified" that way, but when it came to doing the job they weren't nearly what Bob was.. He does a job there I could never see doing.. In fact there weren't too many jobs he has had that were fairly thankless jobs..

It might come as a surprise that on Christmas day this past year (two weeks ago) that he seemed to break character and lose control of his emotions.. Something made him crack and I still don't know what it was.. I can piss my sister in-law off by entering the room just right... And looking back I think that might be what happened with him, I just did something that set him off..

Christmas is kind of an emotional time, the hope of getting what you wanted.. The expectations of getting that gift that means it was a great holiday..

I thought after they left mom would tell me what they talked about out there on the deck.. I chickened out of going out there, he was talking fairly loudly to his wife but I figured he was mad at something I did or said.. Not sure still what happened or anything, it was just... She did tell me a few things the other day and just like the way I felt for a week after Christmas this did the same thing.. I was pissed for shat she said he told her.. And for a couple days I thought about it.. And then I came to the conclusion that he has had some sort of revelation of sorts.. I'm not sure what happened if the emotion of the day caught up with him.. There have been years where I fall into that trap.. It's a mental thing, I get that at the holidays and my birthday.. I admired him growing up, when he got married.. He had his first daughter, then his second.. Moved up in his job... It has really been something... to watch.

And then there's this:: I never told or tell my brothers or any other family member how I feel about them.. Never tell them I love them.. But I never felt like I had to, I thought being family it was implied.. Mom & dad never said that to us when we were growing up, and I never felt like I had to tell anyone that.. It's just the way it is with me anyway.. I know Bob tells his girls how he feels and I have no problem with that..

I don't know how he feels about the family as a whole (my brother and me) since that blowup Christmas day we haven't been together which isn't unusual.. My feeling right now is that the ball is in his court, he will decide the fate of the family.. He has all the cards as it were although as fate would have it after telling mom what he thought of her his daughter called two days ago with unexpected news..

There is a side of me that wishes I would have been out there for that.. But I'm not sure what I would have done especially if he would have directed anything in my direction.. This entry might have contained something other than the "nice guy" memories.. Because the good times were good but there were some times that weren't so good either.. But that is family.. It's not perfect.. Nobody can look back and say that everything was perfect, and if they can then they are great deceivers.. Grand schemers.. Great liars.. Phathomable crooks and are probably sporting a very dark history.. They just got good mental help...

One thing from when we were younger is that we never really would get into any physical altercations.. Never after we got to be in high school.. and after we got to be in our twenties and on there never seemed to be anything worth fighting about.. Not that way anyway.. And even now, I can't get any idea of why he did what he did.. I think he likes using his philosophy ideals on people.. But the bomb he dropped, I still don't get.. A confrontation with him might have ended with me saying so are you, or nanny nanny boo boo.. something rediculus like that in comparison to what he could muster...

BH

ANOTHER DAY AT THE RANCH

I saw the bag of sunflower seeds today that I bought before Lucy went to Poland last year.. It's in the same place I put it back in August of 2010, not opened.. If you know me, you know I've eaten sunflower seeds since I was in junior high sometime.. To me eating sunflower seeds was on equal to trying smoking.. I remember buying a little paper baggie from the drugstore. They were fifteen cents each.. I bought one and went up by the school and put some in my mouth.. That was it, I was hooked and since then had a habit of eating sunflower seeds that would become epic in the amount I could eat in a week.. Fast forward to last year, eleven months ago.. Actually maybe the two years prior to that day if February.. I had a few bouts with what I think were kidney stones.. After the last one I swore to drink water regularly.. And did, or thought I did and was doing fine.. Then Memorial day weekend of 2009 I got nailed with one and strangely enough it was sort of bad but wasn't too much of a problem.. I just wasn't feeling that good.. Then one night as I was pissing there was a splash and the flow stopped.. I looked and there was what looked like a small watermelon seed in the bottom of the bowl.. "Yikes, did I just pass that through there?" .. A little nervous about my next urination process but an hour later I peed no problem..

Fast forward to eleven months ago.. And up until then I was still eating sunflower seeds maybe I'd cut back a bit but.. It was the Monday after the super bowl give or take, I woke up with a slight back ache, nothing too severe.. I drink a glass of water every morning and did that day as well.. Ate breakfast then took a shower.. Before I got in the shower my back was now a full blown painful situation.. Bad enough to where I took a pain pill of moms (prescription type) and figured that would stop the pain eventually.. I drank another glass of water once I got out of the shower.. Then I went to the rocking chair to rock (message) the inner organs.. I had done this before several times and it usually worked. Mom was ready to go to work so I took her in.. On the way down I know I've got sweat starting to roll down my forehead.. We get to her work place and she gets in and as soon as I pull away I get all the windows rolled down, I was hot and worse in pain.. I took the netflix discs to the post office, why I don't know but as I pass the turn to go to the hospital I think seriously about making that turn.. I get the discs dropped at the post office then head for home.. I don't usually come home while she is at work but this day I needed to.. I get home and drink more water.. I took two more of those pain pills and then tried for the next two hours to stay awake.. either the pain was about to knock me out or the overdose was.. Not sure which.. But from nine that morning until three in the afternoon I wouldn't use the bathroom.. At noon I'm seriously thinking about calling my older brother to go get mom and bringing her home, I couldn't see driving in the state I was in.. One o'clock, either shit or get off the pot.. I was at the cutoff point to go get her.. I looked at the internet and decided to go to walmart and get flac seed and another supplement.. I was sweating and more than likely looked like an addict in that store.. If I would have seen me I would have thought I looked strange.. My back hurt in the eleven range and I felt like I had a serious case of the flu.. (addiction) I got what I was in there for and then went over to where mom was working and sat and waited.. I kept hoping she would either be early or as the clock got to two that she would be on time.. She would be twenty minutes over. Thankfully she wanted to come strait home, no argument from me.. By the time we were two miles from home she leaned over to me and said "are you feeling ok?" and I simply said no.. Nothing else was said.. I get in the house and for the next hour, twenty hours (felt like) it was a struggle and then the urge hit, I had to pee.. The dam was broken.. The longest six hours of pain in my life.. The siege was over.. That scared me enough to where I stopped eating sunflower seeds almost completely.. I have eaten three mouthfuls this past year and the last being in August.. I miss them but I haven't had an attack sine then but I am sure I will have another sometime and it might be what kills me.. Yeah I'm that dead set against seeing a doctor that I will have to be dead to be taken to see one.. Nearly dead, or incompasitated...


BH

SPLAIN IT MORE

WHY I USE PICTURES OF ROADS: I think I use pictures of roads and acquire pictures of roads is because I have always had a wish to go.. Go somewhere that isn't here.. I've been to towns that seem like nice places to live but may in fact be nice places to visit.. Recently I was thinking of the year I went with mom & dad to help mom's sister move into a rest home.. That was such a whirlwind trip, we left on Thursday morning, got to Salina Utah, Got her stuff situated on Friday, moved it on Saturday and came back home on Sunday.. There is just something about that time that sticks out in my mind so vivid.. I think it was the fact that this was the first time in well over ten years that mom and all of her brothers were there in the same place... Over ten years.. It took something close to a miracle to get them all together like that.. Within a year my aunt passed away..

WHY I LIKE SUNSETS: Most every one likes a good picture of a sunset.. I like them for about the same reason as above...

Most of the entries here are boring snip its of life like I see it or how things have been, knowing nobody reads this makes me write fairly freely.. There will be a sudden shift of how things will be done now.. I started posting almost exclusively to Google plus the way I was posting to Facebook, a lot of links and things.. That is what I wanted to do towards the end of last year and that is what I wanted to do mostly because I like how G+ works.. I have no followers there but that's ok.. Eventually it won't be important any more and I will stop.. Posting videos to Youtube will continue but posting the links to them on facebook or Google plus will stop.. I got my little brother and his wife in trouble last month when I posted a video of their son singing at his X-mas thing.. My older brother and his wife got their panties in a twist about not being invited although it was a PUBLIC event... So if they really do deem it important to see videos and they look at my site on youtube the way they say they do then they will have to prove it by looking there once in a while..

I refuse to be the scape goat for this or any shit from now on.. There's the phone fucking figure out how to use it.. Stop emailing me "how's mom?" CALL HER... And the shit just hit the span again.. What happens in the oncoming time span is any ones guess.. I won't play a part.. I learned my lesson from X-mas.. I got involved and got kicked for it.. That won't happen again.. I was trying to watch out for mom, the other family wanted what they wanted not thinking this might be going to overwhelm her..IT DID and I knew it would.. I dreaded Christmas this year for that exclusively.. Bob exploded and.. Well another entry for that when I cool off a bit.. Needless to say I have changed the way I view my older brother.. "He was my hero".. That's how that entry will start..

BH

SLOW DOWN THERE PARDNER

I tend to joke a lot.. I tend to joke a lot and say things that people take as serious... I tend to joke a lot and not think of hurting other peoples feelings.. I've said any number of times that I'm just a half a hiccup away from being a certified IDIOT... My favorite comedy is from the Monty Python/ early David Letterman era.. Back when they really didn't care and were just trying to have fun.. That is me still now, and it seems to be costing me dearly.. Now I am thinking more and more.. Now I am older. and thinking that I better not say anything that I am thinking.. Maybe writing them here but maybe rather writing them in my private myspace so they are accessed exclusively by me.. I already wrote things and transferred from that site.. There are things I've written that I maybe shouldn't have.. Oh well screw em if they can't take a joke.. And screw them if they can't read my take and live with it.. Christmas is over.. The family is now torn apart.. I didn't know it happened.. I didn't know it happened twenty years ago, THAT'S HOW DAFT I AM... I guess I thought everything was fine.. WOW was I wrong.. Man, I knew something was up and have felt it for a while now but holy shit!!

One of the reasons for abandoning the "Family" blog site was it was mine pretty much exclusively.. Everyone else use the lame assed excuse that they had trouble accessing it.. I sent them the log on information and encouraged them to write just anything, doesn't have to be deep.. Just use it for whatever even just to put a picture or whatever on.. At first it was being used that way.. Then stopped and I was the only one writing.. I get everyone is busy to do this.. I get it, and hey I know nobody was reading it.. I read it and commented on some but.. Anyway if it is important then it is and use it.. I write because it is a sort of therapy.. A cheap way to express myself without hurting anyone.. Myspace must put a nine in the readers space to encourage more entries and that does work except I write here rather than myspace..

After this morning I am understanding a lot of why I felt the way I have over the past year or better.. I know how things have felt.. I don't know why I feel this way.. When mom went into the ER before Thanksgiving we went to lunch and things felt off there.. I can't explain why or how it was.. At the time it felt normal for the time.. Thinking back I think my older brother has been trying to distance himself from me and I had been trying to help by staying away from him.. I try to do everything myself and even things I should have help with I still try to do myself.. Anything from now on I feel will have to be done without his help.. Maybe I lean on him too much, rely on his inablilty to say no.. Maybe that better stop this year.. Stop being family.. Start being strangers.. Hate that but maybe it has to happen... After this morning, I guess that is what he wants.. A very sad state that the family has become.. A year of being not family.. a year and maybe even more...

The dreads of January are just that.. Football season winds down with the BCS games being played over the first week of the new year.. Why do they do that?? Play the "championship" game the day after New Years day and be done with it.. The playoffs begin this weekend in the NFL.. We are supposed to feel good that the Bronco's backed into the playoffs but I feel the same with them that I did the chiefs last year, or any team that gets in at .500.. But you never know, they could hit a hot streak like the Giants did a few years back and get to the super bowl and win the damn thing...

BH

SOPA and the internet in general

Some six years ago maybe slightly more I turned on a computer for the first time.. Actually that isn't true, I tried using a computer several times prior to then but every time decided it was beyond my ability to comprehend at all.. Then that fateful day my little brother turned on his old Gateway computer running windows '98.. Yeah, it was that old.. I'm not sure my first site I visited, hell I couldn't type more than a hunt and peck thing, roughly the same technique that I still use today.. Eventually I got pretty good using things that people showed me, and figuring others out for my own.. I did find right off that I didn't like the Internet Explorer web browser and was searching for a better one finding so many and using them.. Maxthon, Firefox, and others were my choice soon Firefox was my default and remains that way now.. There have been changes to the internet and changes to the computer being used to access the internet.. I really had no clue what anything meant with the computer such as storage space, hard drive, RAM, processor et al.. And the computer we got was lacking for internet access and ability to watch things.. That wouldn't happen with the next computer.. After the windows '98 came the HP with XP OS. Then to the new latest Dell with windows 7 OS..

The internet is a great way to access information, sites that have medical info have been key in helping me understand different health issues with different people. Music access via i-tunes and other sites.. Online radio sites, mostly free and then there is the new (to me anyway) I-Google homepage that I discovered early last month and have enjoyed building and making it truly my own unique homepage..

SOPA: The Stop Online Piracy Act bill that I figure will become law by the end of the month even though nobody wants it.. The reason I figure it will be signed into law is because a few years ago when XM radio and Sirius Radio (satellite radio) were trying to "merge" everyone said it wouldn't be allowed because it would be a monopoly, which happens to be true.. And when they were allowed to merge into one I thought one day this will come back to haunt us.. That day is NOW!! The government will sign SOPA into law and screw the internet up for everyone in the world...

Why do I care?? Why do I become active on certain issues such as the pipeline they wanted to bury through the sandhills of our state and as well possibly contaminate the drinking water for eight states.. To me the future is now for us.. If the pipeline were to burst and spill oil into our drinking water it would mean we might have to find an alternate drinking water source.. We have watched people fight over water rights before, it's like trying to take mineral rights away from someone.. It just is next to impossible.. Same with this SOPA bill, The internet is vast super highway of ideas and that I feel is part of what the government wants stopped... Showing what happens when people get together this past year in countries that overthrew their leaders that might be America if the next election is deemed to be tainted in any way.. See Russia latest election results and aftermath for what I mean.. I can see trying to figure out a way to stop the "rogue" sites from being able to be accessed here in America but to ruin the internet in the process.. What a truly American thing to do, ruin the internet here in America and the entire world.. Nuke the net... Basically there are those greedy bastards who know there could be more money to be made on the internet and will go that route to get their money from it.. It will mean a sort of "pay per view" type of thing, on every site including social sites like Facebook that is so enormous at 800 million users if you charged everyone a dollar to use it... Nearly a billion dollars for that alone.. Somebody wants a slice of the internet pie... that slice would seem huge but there is a bigger picture than just that..

Sites like Verizon want to charge five dollars for people to use the internet for paying their bills online.. I figure the reason they want to charge this fee is because people can pay their bills on time and won't send the check by mail eliminating the chance of a late charge, so they have to get that late charge in another way, hey let's charge them for using the internet the way we were intending it to be used.. WHAT FUCKING HYPOCRITES... To encourage people to bank by internet then charge them a penalty for the service... Who thinks these things up thinking here's a good idea, people can't think paying five extra dollars a month is that bad.. Well for one company to do it wouldn't be bad but for everyone to do it and everyone will do it if one does it.. Then it would be too much... So why do such a thing?? To make more $$$$ and that is all.. And when people retaliate they back off, knowing full well they have an alternate plan to screw the money away from people, they already had that figured out before they tried plan B which everyone thinks is plan A.. It's not, they float that plan out there knowing full well people won't like it, they already had that planned..

So what will happen if SOPA passes: When SOPA passes the internet landscape will change and then fluctuate as the rich will own yet another thing.. The poor won't have the internet, but they will own something the rich don't have enough of.. That is votes.. The poor need to get rid of the entire dipshit congress... A full change from the oldest braindead to the younger know nothings.. And pay more attention to what these tards are doing in Washington from now on.. Stay in contact at all turns.. Don't let this type of thing ever happen again..

BH

WHITE LIGHT...

I never used to pay attention to my dreams.. Until I was in a band I never thought dreams were anything but night entertainment put on by my mind.. Then the dream that stuck out in my mind was the nights over a few weeks time where I saw a car rear end a semi.. Then some sort of electrical something or other.. Two strange dreams that were so bizzare.. Was there a connection?? I didn't think so.. Things did happen at that time but I just thought it was a coincidence.. A guy I was in school with died from a propane gas explosion in his house when he lit the pilot lite while smelling the fumes.. Another guy died from being electricuted at his farm while setting irrigation pipe.. They couldn't have been predicted by these dreams.. NO WAY..

Then a few years later I was working and would have odd dreams, mostly one was about running and jumping off a cliff out north where I drove home a few times every year, a favorite route was north about every three or four times I came home back roads it would be out by this area.. I always thought it might be cool to ride mountain bike out there, but never did.. Why I dreamed this was beyond me.. I was running and came to the cliff, I jumped and landed on the soft sand below not thinking that it might hurt.. It didn't hurt, instead I was engulfed in the sand like jumping into a pool of water only for whatever the reason it was worse and falling into the sand was instant death.. That brought me out of a deep sleep.. Bad enough it would be water (I can't swim) this was sand and it must have been like quicksand or something.. This was around the time my dad was having trouble recovering from a hernia surgery.. The incision kept popping open for who knows how long.. I was busy with work so I wasn't paying that close of attention to things of this nature.. In hindsight I wish I would have.. There was the time we went to Salina Utah to help my aunt move into a rest home, then we got back and an odd dream made me wonder what that was about.. there were a number of odd dreams over the next twenty months, me not knowing but later put the two together.. Every odd dream with a message like that would be tied to events with dad, from his starting dialysis to his breaking his ankle to the week before he passed away.. The one before he passed away was strange..

My little brother had just gotten married in the church and I saw the carpet, the window, the pews and lights.. But nothing else.. Then a few days later dad was in the hospital fighting for his life.. shortly the dream would become reality.. We were back in the church...

When mom went in to have surgery on her sinuses I dreamed about a nasty storm.. I was out on a road north of town and was watching the funnel clouds dancing around but was a safe distance away only to have a surprise storm take me and the car I was in for a ride.. I went into her surgery worrying the entire way.. Mom came away from the initial surgery fine.. Then she did the remainder of the recovery at the local CRAPASSED hospital and that destroyed her inner ears and her balance will never be back the way it was before...

The latest dream was one before Christmas where I saw a bright light, from a square and don't know what this is about.. So I wait and wonder who will be next.. Every time the phone rings I jump.. Will this be....??

BH

WARM IN JANUARY

I don't know.. I have ideas pop into my head for entries at the oddest time of the day .. Mostly night, and usually several ideas that are so great that I think there is just no way I will forget the idea.. But alas I did.. so..

Went down and saw the Nephew.. The Ianater (Ian) and he just had to show off his new drum set.. He sits down and starts hammering out a drum flurry or furry or whatever you want to call it.. His mom say you (meaning ME) should show him something.. To which my response is I couldn't show him anything his dad wouldn't show him.. It was funny after he got up I did go and play little.. The odd part was that this was the first time I've played the drums in any form or fashion sins 2001 after I screwed up my arm I wanted to see if I could play the drums anymore or if that was a part of my life gone forever from injury.. But I was able to play.. I sat down behind my little brothers drumset for what would be maybe two minutes and tried to play and found I could if I wanted to.. I just didn't want to.. Besides his heads are so loose I get no response from the sticks, it was like playing a pillow.. I played the little guys drum set today and it was set the same as my little brothers, the heads were loose, too loose for my liking but.. And I was thinking that what little I did play that Ian saw me do something that his cousins have never seen.. They have never seen me play the drums before.. That's just one of those things, a very rare event, and I can't say it will ever happen again.. Do I miss playing the drums?? I was mister drummer mister drums before my little brother started and it took a while for him to get where he was.. I still say I stopped playing because it stopped being what I wanted it to be.. Had the band I was in continued until I stopped playing that might very well have happened, where instead of them saying let's play on.. I would have said I've had enough.. I burned out several times in school playing and those times would last a few months.. Back in 1990 I was playing my drumset as rehearsal for a band that would surely be about to hire me on reputation alone.. But then after trying out for a band and being hired I was in the odd setting of trying to figure out a way to decline their offer.. And they imploded and saved me the trouble.. Within a month or two I stopped playing and just never started again.. Burnout?? I don't know, I don't know why I stopped playing and never started again.. Lack of interest I guess.. No other band ever asked to form a band again and I stopped looking for a band to join.. I guess what I wanted I got.. The band I was in spoiled it for me or something.. I always dream of the ultimate band to get into now.. Mostly I'd like to get into a band and check with bars and put together song lists for bars.. A bar friendly band.. And NO ORIGINAL MUSIC.. I did like being in a band that wrote their own songs but it was too many songs of our own, and not enough cover songs.. But, that's for another entry.. This was supposed to be a short non subject matter entry.. but there I rambled a lot of nonsense...

BH

SIMPLE SIMON

And so it starts.. I looked at the clock/calender gadget on my homepage and that Jan. 2 was staring back at me.. The lonely beginning to every new year.. I remember a few years back working up at the school and this teacher that was there when I went to school was there and she said are you having a good year so far?? This was maybe in February, and I told her that I really had a dislike for the first three months of every year.. And she told me it wasn't that bad, and really she made me feel fairly good, she was an upbeat type of person, and that might have helped that year..

I feel like such a downer, the start of every year is kind of depressing with the weight of the new year and the expectations weighing heavily on it, the first week of the new year has to feel both overjoyed and overwhelmed at the same time.. You're a new baby, don't shit your pants...

I'm gonna talk sports, and more to the point, I'm gonna talk Broncos football.. I was with a vast majority wanting to see what Tebow could do.. Thrust him out there and let us just see what all the hype was about.. Well he started to win.. Had a six game winning streak going and everyone thought he was the greatest.. Well I mentioned that anyone who knows football knew that the TEAM was winning and Tebow just happened to be at the right place at the right time.. The wins in the fourth quarter were great and all but to depend on that was to be betting on a horse that had a good finishing stride.. When Elway would get game winning drives a lot of the time he was running the clock out.. Denver had the lead and needed the last five minutes to disappear.. Yes he had a lot of fourth quarter come frombehind rallies but they weren't his MO, they were what he could do a few times a season.. But if you need to depend on winning drives in the fourth quarter as your bread and butter then your luck will eventually run out and that has now happened the last three weeks.. They made the playoffs!!! Big deal, they could get trounced in the first game.. Tebow looks like a backup QB now these last two weeks and even more Sunday than any other time..

Fox has to be given all the credit in the world, he changed the philosophy from a true NFL game plan to what works with Tebow, which is more option oriented, and it worked for a while.. But pro defenses will stop the one dimensional offense and stop Denver which happened Sunday and will happen against Pittsburgh.. They need a great receiver and more defense and hopefully they will keep their Defensive Coordinator for a second season and maybe get a QB coach on the level of helping Tebow more.. They can't keep the game plan they have this year, Tebow won't last 16 games. They have to develop him into a pro QB.. and if not get ready to trade for Barkley next year..


BH

NEW YEAR NEW ATTITUDE

One day into the new year.. I can already feel my feet digging in to slow the onrush of next years holiday season.. I do go into things like this with a WOA slow her down feeling.. It's like I read someone say "I can hardly wait for..." followed by what day and all I can say is what you are doing is speeding up the clock.. Or feels like someone is saying screw these days in between now and the "important" day coming up..

The sun starts to come back to the northern hemisphere and days get longer and like I said in the entry of liking this time of year, for the daylight disappearing, the return isn't as dramatic as the losing of the daylight, but it is still interesting.. It doesn't seem as dramatic gaining the daylight as losing it.. The three weeks before winter solstice seems more dramatic light wise.. But it is still interesting to see these six weeks of what I call the most dramatic of all daylight.. It's just not that great after the tenth of January.. It's just dull.. I read in some article somewhere where a photographer had said the most dramatic daylight occurs sometime in May, like around the 15th at like ten in the morning or something.. And I think really?? But to each his own..

I'm gonna make an effort to write an entry every day this year.. I read where someone once said to take a picture everyday would be a great thing to do as a photographer, and see what they come up with at the end of that year and every year.. I thought I'd try that with this site, see if I can pull that off.. I tried to write or acquire an entry at another blog site but gave up after a few months when Facebook got easier to do what I was trying to accomplish..

Also a change in habit, I'm going to try to use Google plus as my main posting links site.. I know I tried that once before but this year I plan to do that, and have started red hot doing so, entering a good dose of entries yesterday and today and putting a single entry on Facebook stating that the broncos sucked their way into the playoffs.. I think they will have done what every team in the division has done in the past four or so years, sucked into the playoffs.... I changed my homepage on Firefox to be i-Google homepage. At first it was a lark to see if I could get something better than Yahoo or MSN.. Happily Google does have such a thing like they have. What I like is having complete control over what is on the page.. The bad is I have trouble deciding what is really important to have.. I have the top three columns arranged like the nightly news as from left to right "news-weather-sports" and the top three are that.. and it kind of stays that way through the first three "gadgets" from the top.. Then it gets political on the left, the middle gets to my links to go all over the internet, the right stays sports focusing on my favorite sport.. The left then goes to internet philosophy as it were, center to television and entertainment, the right goes to space NASA and the like.. The left then goes to netflix the center goes to amazon type of things and the right goes to photo sites.. The left goes to games the center to links to different ideas, the right links and more picture sites.. The left remains in games, puzzles, brain develop type of things.. The center to odds & ends.. The right same as center.. By the bottom of the page it seems to fall apart as the least important topics are placed there, as well as try this type of links and multi link type of things.. The page has gone through many changes and transformations including having almost every site I visit having a gadget, then taking all the important sites and linking them there on the page which is where I am now.. The best thing about i-Google is it doesn't have to be this way, it can be whatever I want.. And so for now this is the page and set up for me...

BH

GOING KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO THE NEW YEAR

Every year at the holidays I look so forward to Halloween and a little more to Thanksgiving and then shoot me because I have grown to hate Christmas and especially New Years day.. New year is like a birthday or more to the point like a second birthday forced on everybody.. I've gotten to the point where my birthday i'd like to just be another day, and was almost that way the past few years when nobody remembered , and it reminded me when I was younger and it was forgotten because it was the start of the month instead of the middle or later part of the month, so when the calendar got the previous month finally torn off it was four or five days in and my birthday was an afterthought rather than.. Anyway a new year and new prediction.. I have none, same as the past few.. Worries are what seem to be taking over predictions.. Mom isn't getting any younger, but then last time i checked nobody is.. Can't be helped, I guess when I hope that everything will work itself out, I know that this is as good as it will ever be and when mom passes away... I just dread that day and the days that follow... Those will be the dark final days I think.. Scares the hell out of me.. I was thinking the other day about how when dad had his broken ankle eleven months before he died, that I would ride my mountain bike out in the pasture and think what it would be like when he passed away.. Thinking it would be a great number of years away, not knowing that the day was so close I was oblivious to everything.. It was a dark time after dad passed away, I remember being at the local walmart and just walking around that store aimlessly, trying to think of what I should ask for for Christmas, and I just wanted things to be the way they were before.. But that would never happen and seems like the more things change the more they really change... Happy New Year?!?!??... Hope so..

BH