EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW

This past Thursday was a month removed from Christmas.. And everything that went down that day, strange.. I took care of the nephew again Thursday (the 26th) and took him to one of the parks there in town and watched him climb on the playground thing they have there.. I played and I watched and I had a thought go through my (lame brain) head, I wondered if my brother, the boo's father, ever takes him to the park and watches him play like that.. I watched him play, I don't have a gadget (I-anything) and so I watch him play, and I feel like if you pay more attention to the gadget than the little guy then you are cheating yourself out of watching him grow.. I like watching him play and grow his imagination is fresh.. Like watching grass grow, or the pumpkins I grew a few times before.. I do worry about a few things however. He has a tendency to not want to go home, and so when we go get his grandma and then went to the store to shop, he got yet another set of hot wheels cars, last time at Walmart he got the much "neeeed" ed guitar.. He got that set of cars and said he was so happy.. Reminds me of someone, when he got what he wanted he was so happy, and when he didn't (doesn't) he is an absolute shit bucket.. Anyway we go to the park again for a while, then head to his house all the while he says he doesn't want to go home.. We get to his house and are sitting there and mom gets the idea to go by his uncle Bob's work place, so we go there.. I'm not a big fan of bothering anyone at work, or their work site and especially his site because of how I feel about him.. But we stop by and he seems generally happy to see the little guy, and impressed with the new set of cars... WOW!!

Tuesday while I was watching the little guy we went out to get his grandma and then go get some ice cream and all through being outside he was cold, and even said as much.. He has no true coat, overcoat type of thing.. Winter coat, and after mom saw him saying he was cold she broke down and bought him one.. We had checked a few weeks ago at the local walmart and had him try one on, but he didn't want one so we put it off.. After Tuesday mom had seen enough and so she bought him one.

Friday we come here to grandmas house and she shows him look what we got you, a new coat and he went nearly berzerk... HE DIDN'T WANT A COAT!! He started to cry and throw a fit and I tried to tell him it would help him stay warm.. Somewhere along the way someone or something has made him almost fearful of a coat.. I didn't like the way he was towards his grandma and was trying to explain why we got it for him, but he didn't want it it.. I said fine will take it back, or give it to someone who would appreciate it.. His mom comes later and she made him at least try it on.. I felt so stupid after the fact.. I'm not his dad and what was I thinking trying to make him wear that coat.. It's like when I got him at preschool one morning and earlier in the day it was like zero degrees but by the time I had picked him up it was in the twenties.. He wanted to go play in the park and truth be told I so badly wanted to say no it was too cold but he wanted to go.. So we went and he got on a swing and I pushed him.. The chain is cold to the touch and he didn't have gloves on and so he started to fold his arms around the chains and I told him to hold onto the chains and he then said it was too cold.. No shit, he said that so we went to his house.. He is a lot like his mom in that he can't be told logic, he has to experience it..

Today I wake up with yesterdays goings on fresh in my mind and, you know how you feel like something bad is going to happen?? I was so cautious yesterday, but still that was what I wasn't wanting to happen.. With the shit from Christmas still fresh on my mind I have to constantly think of not putting my feelings into watching the nephew.. Just watch him.. I have to know I'm not his parent.. I know that taking him to the park when it is obviously too cold might look like I am not really watching out for him, but I feel like whatever he wants he should get within reason of course.. When we were at the store they have a toy section there at Safeway and so he gets to start in early "how we get this?".. Walmart we know where the toy section is.. Mom has the ability to tell him no she just chooses not to.. My idea is that if he wants this toy then chose which toy you keep, just one toy not a basket full... I took him into walmart Friday to get moms prescription and he stayed right near me and didn't go to the toy section.. He wanted to get to his grandmas house, so he wasn't too interested in a detour.. So when we came here on a road he has never been on (so far as I know) he was at a loss for where we were at.. I'll never do that idea again any time soon.. Maybe when he gets to be ten or so.. Maybe...


Freda sent me an email about a week before the 25th of January and said all sorts of nothing too grand.. Yea I agree with a lot that she said, I do miss their girls but they are older now and getting into their own families BIG TIME... But at the end of the letter she said something that made me laugh.. Truth be told I wanted to write her right back and explain a few things, that I feel mostly that we are now nearly no longer in their lives at all.. I told mom while we were shopping at Christmas time that I found myself shopping for who I needed to, but ended up seeing things for Ian only.. And my reasoning is that we are around him more than any others.. And then what happened on Christmas happened and it brought everything into focus.. I started to think of the past year, then two... all the way back to what mom told me and it made sense.. It saddens me that he feels this way and that saying he hates mom is too blunt, he has a strong dislike of her. Where that originated is beyond me.. But I don't think he told his wife what he told mom, and if I would have gotten brave enough to go out there that day and he unloaded on me that way things would really be different now.. More than they are.. I would like to know where we stand though... I wanted to write Freda back but decided not to.. Not yet.. Maybe in a little while.. Or maybe never... I don't know.. Is the healing starting for mom from Christmas?? A little.. She has to measure everything she says now.. When they were down a couple weeks ago I was here on the computer and they were in the front room and I could hear them talk. There was a lot of quiet times there.. They talked about nothing important.. How's the weather? After that it was quite quiet.. To have to measure your conversation, to think about what you are about to say and hope it doesn't offend somewhere down the line... I do think the less I add to the situation the better.. One thing that has passed this year is the annual trip to view the eagles.. I thought last weekend was nice enough to go to and I missed going.. Mom is sick this weekend so even if they said hey let's go I would have said no.. So this year is already different from the past six or so... The very first chance for everyone to possibly get together might be Ian's birthday, but.. Hopefully it will snow enough so we won't be able to go.. Fingers crossed..

BH