HE WAS MY HERO

My memories of growing up with my dad are vivid still to this day.. I can honestly say I was always somewhat afraid of him but can't say why.. He was always very imposing of a figure.. He was big when I was little and remained that way until one day I saw myself able to look strait across into his eyes.. He took care of his family and was really a great man, to me anyway.. There were a great number of times, thinking back, that I had to be a massive disappointment to him.. There was the time I scraped a railing with the car.. Another time I was in an accident at the railroad crossing.. The time I got M.I.P.ed and through every failure he never once ripped into me, although I expected it.. The new years eve I was busted I remember the next day being in the kitchen waiting for him to thrash me. But he never did... I can still remember feeling the way I did, just that waiting for him to do something.. He never did... Through the years of him having his bypass surgery and then his stint.. Then the eventual dialysis situation then finally his leaving us, he was the most dignified person I have ever known EVER..

My older brother was named after my dad and my moms dad or my dads dad since he was Bob as well... Growing up with Bob we were together from the beginning, playing together at the old house next to the church, then to where we lived until he got married.. We went through a lot of things together in the beginning.. Mom dressed us kind of like we were twins sometimes although we were some 14 months apart age wise.. When we were in grade school we were separated by the two grades and that seemed like light years.. I rarely saw him in grade school.. By the time I got into high school he was a junior and I was a freshman and dealing with that fact.. He always seemed to fit into his class and I never fit with the kids I was with.. The best part of being a freshman was that all the kids or most of the kids in my class were the younger brothers or sisters of his classmates so all of a sudden the kids in my class stopped picking on me and started getting picked on by those kids.. The tables had maybe not turned but at least gotten even a little..

By the time Bob was a junior we were hanging out together once in a while, probably more often than he really wanted to but it was great to go out with him.. He knew more than I did, and the holiday break of his senior year he introduced me to my first taste of booze.. Taking my first sip was a shocker, I'll never forget that one thank you.. my first buzz was with him.. The first time I drove him and a couple of his friends home from the drive in when I hadn't had anything to drink and I also didn't have a license yet either..

Bob would work for the state doing something having to do with government programs.. Then he would work for Cabela's .. After that he got on at what I think he thought was a great job, he drove ambulance.. Something I could never see doing.. After picking up enough dead bodies he would crack when the dead bodies were little people, children.. Then he got onto the office of human development, O.H.D. at a place called the duplex.. After paying his dues there he moved into the main offices and soon was given by way of earning it... The head position.. He was given the position although he didn't have a degree from a school.. Others had the degree and were "qualified" that way, but when it came to doing the job they weren't nearly what Bob was.. He does a job there I could never see doing.. In fact there weren't too many jobs he has had that were fairly thankless jobs..

It might come as a surprise that on Christmas day this past year (two weeks ago) that he seemed to break character and lose control of his emotions.. Something made him crack and I still don't know what it was.. I can piss my sister in-law off by entering the room just right... And looking back I think that might be what happened with him, I just did something that set him off..

Christmas is kind of an emotional time, the hope of getting what you wanted.. The expectations of getting that gift that means it was a great holiday..

I thought after they left mom would tell me what they talked about out there on the deck.. I chickened out of going out there, he was talking fairly loudly to his wife but I figured he was mad at something I did or said.. Not sure still what happened or anything, it was just... She did tell me a few things the other day and just like the way I felt for a week after Christmas this did the same thing.. I was pissed for shat she said he told her.. And for a couple days I thought about it.. And then I came to the conclusion that he has had some sort of revelation of sorts.. I'm not sure what happened if the emotion of the day caught up with him.. There have been years where I fall into that trap.. It's a mental thing, I get that at the holidays and my birthday.. I admired him growing up, when he got married.. He had his first daughter, then his second.. Moved up in his job... It has really been something... to watch.

And then there's this:: I never told or tell my brothers or any other family member how I feel about them.. Never tell them I love them.. But I never felt like I had to, I thought being family it was implied.. Mom & dad never said that to us when we were growing up, and I never felt like I had to tell anyone that.. It's just the way it is with me anyway.. I know Bob tells his girls how he feels and I have no problem with that..

I don't know how he feels about the family as a whole (my brother and me) since that blowup Christmas day we haven't been together which isn't unusual.. My feeling right now is that the ball is in his court, he will decide the fate of the family.. He has all the cards as it were although as fate would have it after telling mom what he thought of her his daughter called two days ago with unexpected news..

There is a side of me that wishes I would have been out there for that.. But I'm not sure what I would have done especially if he would have directed anything in my direction.. This entry might have contained something other than the "nice guy" memories.. Because the good times were good but there were some times that weren't so good either.. But that is family.. It's not perfect.. Nobody can look back and say that everything was perfect, and if they can then they are great deceivers.. Grand schemers.. Great liars.. Phathomable crooks and are probably sporting a very dark history.. They just got good mental help...

One thing from when we were younger is that we never really would get into any physical altercations.. Never after we got to be in high school.. and after we got to be in our twenties and on there never seemed to be anything worth fighting about.. Not that way anyway.. And even now, I can't get any idea of why he did what he did.. I think he likes using his philosophy ideals on people.. But the bomb he dropped, I still don't get.. A confrontation with him might have ended with me saying so are you, or nanny nanny boo boo.. something rediculus like that in comparison to what he could muster...

BH