So in an entry earlier I said something about my older brother having diabetes and that would be the way he might die, the complications from that disease are many and if you ignore it or pretend you can do things that won't be a problem right of way.. Basically it all adds up, watching dad play with his insulin amounts is probably what caused his demise, and no it didn't happen over night but over a certain amount of time.. I don't know enough about the disease to say I am an expert but being around dad for the entire time he had diabetes there are certain signs of the same behavior... I kinda think I know my own demise.. Probably something stupid, since that seems to be me in a heartbeat.. When I was younger I had to have an allergy test done and what that meant was to have these little scratches on my back with something like a grass or pine tree thing on it.. I had the hives way back then, and they would be the giant version where in the case of getting them in my eyes I would look like Rocky after the big fight with Apollo Creed at the end of the movie.. But this was years before that movie was made.. My eyes would itch at first then hurt and hurt for a few days after having the hives.. Anywhere there is soft tissue, skin wise, I would get the hives so behind me knees, ankles, toes (between and the toes themselves), bottom of my feet, arm pits, opposite side of my elbows, fingers, hands and the worst of all the entire of the crotch region.. Not much fun..
During the allergy testing the doctors found that I had a murmur of the heart and that would begin my long testing that meant going to Denver to the childrens hospital for a few years.. What actually felt like forever, having to go regularly every however months they wanted to keep an eye on it and the worst part was they wanted me to not play in P.E. in school, which was the worst part.. It made me different from the other kids, or special which I HATED.. So until I was in junior high we went to Denver fairly regular, from about first grade until seventh or eighth grade.. When they wanted me to continue on at another hospital and specialist I think mom & dad just decided to keep an eye on me for any symptoms of whatever might be there.. And there was something there but I didn't think it was important enough to bother them with (I hated going to the doctors as much as we did) so I stayed quiet about it.. What it was was a slight pain in my chest that wasn't that bad but was noticed by me and it was a pain like when you run hard and can't catch your breath.. After a while I didn't notice it and figured it was gone for good..
Now I take care of my nephew, which I don't claim to be a babysitter and doing this scares the hell out of me.. Every time he starts bouncing on the couches at his house I see him hitting his head on the table and me running him to the hospital looking like his head is severed from his body.. Little things like that.. What scares me more than anything else and I thought of this with my older brothers girls, is being accused of some sexual perversion and in this day in age the kids have all the rights, the parents have nearly no rights.. But to have an accusation of that type would just kill me.. My fear of having him say something like that to either his parents or his grandma would just kill me.. They more than likely would believe him because of what has been going on in the world such as the Sandusky-gate thing at Penn State, or any of the child related oddities with Michael Jackson.. I don't have perversions towards little kids, they have no defense against a bigger person imposing their will on them.. They have full trust in people who are older and they should trust adults but in the same sense they should be taught early on to be leery of certain situations.. I wouldn't have a clue how to tell a child how or what to watch for.. But like I said it would kill me to have this situation put on me, and with the imagination and dreams and seeing things in the news and what they teach at schools and everything melding together I do fear the day when something like that happens.. I would rather kill myself than to try to clear my name and reputation because it would be easier.. Then you might say that would look like guilt, or like saying I was guilty but even if I could clear myself that would be there forever.. So being his gaurdian, his protector.. A gigantic responsibility...
BH
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